It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 8

November 28, 1990

"You can't play the guitar for him and not for me!" Dave shouted. 

I chuckled as I continued to tickle Lorelai's back. 

"Hey, she wanted to show me," Kurt said. 

"Yeah, after you guilt-tripped her."

"Okay!" I interrupted them before they would start an argument. 

I grabbed the guitar and started to play a random song. It ended up being "Still Loving You" by "The Scorpions". 

It was my favorite song by them and I just absolutely loved it. I thought that what the song was about was very...interesting and I felt like it had more meaning than just what it was saying. I never had the time to figure it out, though. And the song itself was just so beautiful. 

"Did you write that?" Kurt asked. 

"No," I stopped playing and put the guitar away. "I never wrote anything."

"What are you making that face for?!" Kurt snapped at Dave. 

I looked at Dave and he was smiling very wide. 

"You played the guitar so beautifully, Ruby," He stood up and hugged me. 

"Thanks, Dave," I chuckled. 

I got a glance at Kurt and he looked furious. Lorelai walked up to him and hugged him, which made him smile a little, but I could still tell that he was irritated. 

I let go of Dave and sat down on the couch. 

"Mommy?" Lorelai asked. 

"Yeah?" I asked. 

"What's a 'Daddy'?"

I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. "Excuse me, what?"

"It was in the movie. A little girl had a mommy and a daddy, but I only have a mommy. Where's my daddy?"

I didn't know what to say. I was not ready for this moment-especially for a four-year-old. 

"Mommy?" She asked. 

"I'll tell you when you're older," I told her. 

"Do I have a Daddy?"

"Of course you do."

"Then where is he?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

"Okay, Mommy," She walked into her room and I sighed. 

"Wow," Dave said. "I was not ready for that."

"She's fucking four!" I exclaimed. "What the fuck is she watching?!"

"TV shows that don't show the reality," Kurt said.

"Ha ha," I mocked him and walked into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. 

I needed a second to process what the fuck had just happened. I lied to her face. I lied straight to her fucking face-I was a horrible mother. No mother should lie to their daughter. 

"Should I tell her?" I blurted out. 

"No," Dave said. 

"If you want to," Kurt shrugged his shoulders. 

"Obviously I don't want to," I said. "I don't know if I should, though. Goddammit!"

"Hey, it's okay," Kurt walked over to me and rubbed my back. 

I pushed him off of me. "No it's not. Look, I'm sorry for being all bitchy but I don't know what the fuck to do."

"Breathe," Dave instructed. 

"No, I'm going to stop breathing."

"I think you need to go into a different room."

"Yeah, me being surrounded by all the thoughts racing through my mind will help!"

I shut my eyes and rubbed them, then slowly started breathing. 

"Alright," I exhaled. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what happened."

I looked up at Kurt who looked pissed off. 

"What's the matter?" I asked him. 

"Nothing," He quickly smiled. "Just thinking."

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I wrapped a towel around me and put my hair in a hair towel, then walked into the living room and saw that Lorelai and Kurt fell asleep on the couch. Lorelai was in Kurt's arms and his head was thrown back onto the couch. 

I started to softly cry in sympathy for Lorelai. Kurt was the closest to a dad that she would get-right now. She would never be able to meet her dad and that's all of his fucking fault. She didn't deserve it. 

I picked her up from him, accidentally waking him up. I quickly walked off so he wouldn't see me and put her to bed and pulled the blanket over her. I kissed the top of her head and walked out. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," I told him. 

"I woke up to a beautiful view, don't apologize," He smirked. 

I went into my room, threw a long shirt on, put underwear on, then walked back out. 

I sat down and nestled my head into the crook of his arm. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and didn't let go.

He was there with me. 

I needed someone there for me and there he was-there for me. 

"Don't leave, okay?" I whispered. "I can't have another person leave."

"I won't, don't worry," He kissed the top of my head. "You'll always have me."