It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 148

May 4, 1994

They say that there's five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. 

I was past denial. I moved onto anger. I was angry with Kurt. 

But, this morning, I felt a little more sad than normal. 

I went into his music room and decided to play one of his guitars. 

I cried. 

I put it back. 

I noticed a box underneath his desk.

I pulled it out and it just had a bunch of tapes. 

I played the first one and it was a voice making very weird noises. 

Then a guitar started playing. 

Kurt started to yodel. 

I put in the next tape. 

Beans, beans, beans.

Jessie ate some beans.

He was happy, happy, happy. 

That he ate some beans.

Sitting naked, naked. 

Sitting cross-legged. 

I shut it off and moved onto the next one. 

It had a soft guitar in the beginning. It was a very good tune. 

"Burn the nothing," Kurt sang. "From the night away. Fear in the million. From the love of her."

I stopped focusing on the lyrics, but then his song ended because he had gotten a phone call. 

"Hello?" He asked. "No she's not. She went to work. Alright."

I turned it off since it was over and put on the next one. 

It was the chords to Sappy. 

That was the only other song I liked by Nirvana. 

But Kurt sung it slower and it was more depressing. He changed the lyrics. 

I shut it off because I didn't want to cry and I wanted to be in as best of a mood as I could.

I put in a different tape instead and played it.

I knew the chords before he started singing. 

And I Love Her. 

That was my favorite Beatles song. 

I laid down on my back and closed my eyes, picturing Kurt strumming his guitar while singing this. 

How old was he when he made these?

I had always thought that Kurt was a terrible singer. He didn't have a beautiful, soft voice. His was very raspy and very aggressive. 

But, then you hear his acoustic songs and you realize that he did have a beautiful voice. 

The song ended, but I played it again and again, never wanting it to end. 

Our love like ours will never die as long as I hold you near me. 

Well ours fucking did, Kurt. 

I put in another tape.

"Today is April 5, 1994," He said. "This is a message for my daughter Lorelai Renee Stockins (your mother never legally changed your last name to Cobain). If you're listening to this, it's because I'm dead and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this, I know. When I first met you, I knew that you were so full of joy and you were a very pleasant kid to be around. Your mother and I love each other very very much. In fact, she loved me so much that she asked me to be your father. I know it's not the most traditional way to go, but of course, I said yes. Lorelai, I was your father for four years and I loved every moment of it. I loved it when you called me, 'Daddy' and you would run to me and hug me as soon as you saw me. Everytime I came back from tour, you were always so happy to see me. My favorite memory of all, though, was one day I took you out just you and me, and we got ice cream and went to the park. We were driving home and you told me that you loved me. That was the first time that you had said that you loved me and I started to cry. I love you, too, Lorelai. My actions are not your fault, so please don't ever think that. You deserve a better father figure than me, and there's going to be someone better than me out there. When you bring home your first boyfriend to your mother, please be sure to be nice to your mother about it. I won't be there to beat the shit out of him, and I apologize sincerely for that. Lorelai, I know that you're going to grow up to be a beautiful, amazing, talented, and smart young lady. I am sorry about your father, though-Robert. I know that now you won't have any fathers, but we just aren't good enough to be your father. I hope your father loves you so much. He won't love you nearly as much as your mother and I do. I love you so so much. Goodbye."

Wow. 

I moved onto the next tape. 

"Today is April 5, 1994," He said again. "This is a message for my daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Frances, I knew from the second I laid eyes on you that you were indeed my daughter. Those bright blue eyes and the way you smiled. You are a perfect mixture of your mother and I. You weren't born under the best circumstances and you were taken away from me very soon after you were born. But that didn't affect anything because I got you back. I was not able to see you as much as I had hoped to, and that really fucked me up, Frances. You know, I wish that I had gotten more time with you. I really did. I know that you're going to grow up and be something so incredible. But, I also know it's going to be hard growing up. You're going to get picked on, but I know that your mother is going to have your back. This is not your fault, Frances, so please don't ever think that. You brought me back to life after you were born. You were another reason for me to stay. But don't ever think that you weren't enough because you were. You are more than enough, Frances. My favorite memory of us was when I visited you yesterday (the day before I recorded this) and I was playing with you. Then, you looked at me and it was time to leave. You said, 'Bye Dada'. I still remember your voice when you said it and how you said it. You're going to do great things one day. You're going to grow up and be so beautiful and so smart and everything that I never was. I love you so much, Frances."

Wow.

There were two more tapes. 

I put on the next one. 

"Today is April 5, 1994," Kurt said. "This is a message for my daughter Melissa. Melissa Genevie Cobain. I remember the day that you were born. Your mother was walking up the stairs to go grab something and her water broke. I started to freak out and then we got to the hospital. Your mother was screaming very loudly while giving birth to you. As soon as I saw you, I was overwhelmed with happiness. Not only because you were my daughter, but you are your mother's, too. I was sharing a human being with her. You got every good gene in the gene pool. Your mother and I love you very much. I know this is going to be really hard for you and I am so sorry. This is all of my fault. It is not yours, now please don't think that. You have your older sister Lorelai and your mother looking out for you. You're going to be the little baby of the bunch. I know you're going to be sassy and you're going to talk back, but you better behave for your mother because she has it rough. I'm predicting it now: you're going to have a beautiful singing voice, a talent for guitar (both your mother and I play it), and you're going to have a big heart for everyone that you meet. I know that you will. Everyone who has ever met you has always said the same thing: she's so cute. You are indeed so cute. My favorite memory of us was when you spoke your first words. Your mother and I went to go get you from your crib and you hadn't seen me for a couple of months, but as soon as you saw me, you said, 'Dada'. I know that your mother's very jealous that you spoke my name first and not hers, but that just shows who your favorite is. I'm just kidding. Be kind to your mother, okay? I love you so much, Melissa. I really do and I'm sorry I did this. I really am. I love you."

It ended. 

One more tape. 

I played it. 

"Today is April 5, 1994," Kurt sighed. "I knew that you would go through my stuff, Ruby. I knew that you would find this because you are such a curious person and you like to snoop in other people's things-"

I shut it off. 

I couldn't listen to his voice. 

I was already crying too hard. 

I took the four tapes and I put them in a box underneath my bed. 

I didn't know when I would give them to everyone, but not now. 

Not until they were older. 

I wasn't going to give the tape for Frances to Courtney because I knew that Courtney would fucking destroy it or lose it on purpose. 

I laid down on the bed and shut my eyes. 

Oh, Kurt.