It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 105

December 26, 1993

I woke up and felt more relaxed than the day before. Melissa was still sleeping, so I went into the living room to try and collect my thoughts. 

We ended up staying the night at a hotel. I didn't want to go home. Honestly, I didn't want Kurt to know where we were. 

I realized that I didn't even say bye to Sylvia's husband or Serenity's husband. I didn't even get to really meet them. Thankfully they lived in Washington. 

Why didn't my mom tell me that we had family that lived in Washington? Did they just move here and they wanted it to be a surprise? No, because she never even mentioned that they existed. I grabbed the notepad in front of me and wrote down: Call mom and ask about family existing. 

What about my dad's side of the family? Did he have any family? Of course he did, but why hasn't he mentioned them?

Then, we move onto Kurt. 

First of all, why was he wanting to replace Dave? Dave was an amazing drummer and I don't think that Nirvana would be where they were if it wasn't for Dave. Dave is so talented and Kurt knows that. Dave would be so heartbroken if he got kicked out of the band. But, like Kurt said, that really wasn't any of my business. I was still allowed to be frustrated about that, though. Dave was my best friend. 

I wrote down on the notepad: Apologize to Kurt about Dave getting kicked out of the band. 

Then, I thought about what Andy had said. Maybe she was right. Maybe I wouldn't be able to be fully happy as long as I was with Kurt. But, it wasn't just him, though. I would always have an empty part inside of me because of Robert. Maybe Kurt and I needed to see a therapist and take marriage counseling. That could potentially help us. 

She had no right to bring up his drug use, though. He stopped using and the only reason why he did in the first place was because of his stomach. 

I wrote down on the notepad: Kurt and I marriage counseling and talk to him about what Andy said. 

Lastly, what Kurt said. I would always be in love with my dead boyfriend-I don't think anyone would really be able to get over that. He should've brought that up to me beforehand. He had obviously been keeping that inside for a while, and that's why he blurted that out in the heat of the moment. 

It still made me really upset that he said that, though. He had no right to be mad at me for that. That wasn't really my fault. I couldn't imagine being in his shoes, though. If he had a girlfriend that killed herself and he still loved her, I would be upset, too. I needed to get over Robert. I probably needed to go to therapy for that, too. 

I wrote down on the notepad: Talk to Kurt about Robert. 

I grabbed the phone and called Krist. 

"Hello?" Shelli answered again. 

"Hey, it's Ruby."

"Oh, hey."

"Did you guys get Kurt?"

"Yeah; he's sleeping right now."

"God, what an eventful day yesterday."

"He didn't even tell us what happened."

"Really?"

"He was just crying and kept saying that he fucked up. Krist about punched him. Not because he kept repeating himself, but because he knew that he did something to you."

"Did he punch him?"

"No."

"Yeah, it's her. Alright, here you go."