It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 147

April 10, 1994

I got dressed into my black dress. 

My parents dressed Lorelai and Melissa into their black clothing, too.

They would be going to the Kurt Cobain vigil and only the vigil.

Not his funeral.

I wouldn't allow it. 

Lorelai wasn't going to know that Kurt was dead.

Lorelai had asked about Kurt and where he was a couple times to my mother, but she always lied. 

I walked downstairs and saw Dave and Jennifer in the front entrance. 

We were all going to be going together. 

I was going to be going with Dave and Jennifer. 

I didn't want my daughters to see my crying, so I was going to have a little time to myself before the memorial to mourn. 

Then, I would put on an act for them.

The act of a lifetime. 

The most important performance of my life. 

I had cried the whole time in the car. 

Dave was super upset and Jennifer comforted him. 

Where was my comfort person?

Oh, that's right. 

Dead.

Dave called whoever set up the vigil-upon my request-and asked them not to play the tape that I recorded of myself speaking.

I wanted to speak there, instead. 

They allowed it. 

I got out of the car and I saw thousands of people standing at the park. 

God, so many people his choices affected. 

Me included. 

It was tough to get up in the mornings. 

The only things keeping me alive were my children. 

But, I was scared that my feelings of wanting to die were slowly starting to overpower all of my other feelings. 

I wasn't going to get to that point. 

I was stronger than Kurt. 

"You ready?" Dave asked me. 

I didn't respond. 

I still was barely talking. I had no idea how I was going to be able to get up in front of thousands of people and speak to them about the one person I loved the most in the world. 

My parents weren't going to be coming until an hour later. 

I didn't want Lorelai to hear anything that I was going to say. 

I was trying to keep all mention of Kurt's death away from her. 

Dave guided me towards a canopy with a microphone under it. 

It was in front of everyone. 

Krist was already standing there with Pat. 

Krist opened his arms to hug me, so I hugged him. 

It was hard to do that. 

I stood in front of the microphone and faced all of the people that were in front of me.