It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 87

January 29, 1993

Kurt hadn't talked to me since we woke up. He just fed Melissa and Frances on his own. He let me sleep in-which I was grateful for-but I was very skeptical because why would he do that if he was mad at me? 

Nervously, I walked downstairs after getting ready and saw him writing in his notebook. 

Lorelai shot her head up and saw me. "Mommy!" She ran towards me and gave me a hug, but Kurt didn't even lift up his head. His body didn't shift or anything. He didn't move. 

That upset me. Why was he super mad at me? His mother was treating Lorelai horribly; It's not like I said anything to her. 

"Kurt," I said softly as I made my way towards the couch.

"Yes?" He grumbled, continuing to look down at his notebook. 

"Why are you mad at me?"

"You had to make a scene last night," He shot up from the couch. "You just had to, didn't you? Didn't you?!"

"I didn't-"

"My mother was freaking out because she thought that she did something wrong and Kim was over here upset because she just wanted to have a good time, but we can't have that, can we?"

I started tearing up. I kept fucking everything up. I just felt a rush of sadness come over my body. I disappointed Kurt. I disappointed his mother and sister when all I wanted to do was have a good time. Kurt just wanted to have a good time, too but I ruined that for him. And Lorelai. And Melissa. And Frances. 

Kurt just sighed and walked out of the house without saying a word. I threw myself onto the ground and started sobbing. 

Why were things always so hard for us? We couldn't have just one good day. There was always some sort of conflict. 

I wanted to enjoy the moments that Kurt and I would have together before he would be leaving again to go on tour. He wasn't going to be home for a while-he would be leaving for a while. I don't think they still new their full schedule yet, but I knew that they were going to be gone for majority of the year, especially with their new record coming out in September. 

"Mommy, it's okay," Lorelai hugged me. "Don't cry. It's okay."

God, that made things worse. Lorelai should live in a stable environment with parents that loved each other and rarely argued. Kurt and I argued, but we still loved each other and we always would. 

Things should've been better for her. I always wondered if things would've been better off with Robert alive and us still together, but I always got rid of those thoughts very quickly since I was now married.

I brought Lorelai into my embrace, cuddling her and rocking back and forth. 

"It's okay to cry sometimes, Lorelai," I told her, although I was sort of reminding myself of that. 

"Do you and Daddy love each other still? You guys are always mad at each other."

That broke my heart. 

"Of course we still love each other," I explained to her. "Sometimes, we're both very angry-not at each other, but at different things-so it's hard for us to show that we love each other. But we still love each other very much. We aren't always mad at each other."

"Okay, Mommy."

Melissa started crying, so I picked her up, but she continued to cry. I put her binky in her mouth, but she continued to cry. I breastfed her, but she continued to cry. It wasn't her normal cry (she was wailing). 

Was she hurt?

I checked her whole body and there was not a scratch on her. Maybe she had an air bubble. 

I pressed gently on her stomach, softly massaging it. Her cries softened, but she still continued to cry. 

Lorelai got on her knees and held Melissa's hand. "It's okay, Melissa. Mommy's going to make you feel all better."

I smiled at Lorelai and how selfless she was. She always thought about other people and when it came to other people being in pain-even if she was involved-she always checked up on other people. She was going to be the best bigger sister to Melissa and Frances. 

"Is Frances still sleeping?" I asked Lorelai. 

"Yeah," She said. 

I put Melissa in her swing after she was done crying and then picked up Lorelai, resting her on my chest as I laid down on the couch with her. I draped a blanket over both of our bodies. 

"Let's go to sleep like how we used to, okay?" I asked her. 

"Okay, Mommy."

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"Yeah, that is a little ridiculous," I heard a woman's voice say. 

I fluttered my eyes open, then looked around and saw that I was on the couch. 

"Lorelai?" I called out for her name, remembering that she was napping with me. 

"I'm going to the bathroom, Mommy!"

I sighed in relief. 

Wait. 

Who the fuck was in my kitchen?

I walked into the kitchen and saw Kim standing there.  

"Kim?" I asked. 

She spun around, holding a spatula. "Hi, Ruby."

"What are you doing in my kitchen?"

"Oh, Kurt brought me here."

"Ku-Kurt's here?" I shoved my hands into my pockets. 

"Yeah, he is," She smiled at me. 

I had nothing else to say, so I walked into my bedroom and saw Melissa softly sleeping in her crib. Frances was nowhere to be found, so I figured that Courtney had already picked her up. 

The garage door flung open and Kurt emerged from the garage. 

"Ruby," His eyes met mine. "What are you doing awake?"

"I woke up. Can we talk?"

"Sure."

We went into the backyard. 

"Kurt, why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not," He looked away.

"I'm sorry for my outburst yesterday. It was uncalled for. I feel like your mom doesn't treat Lorelai that well. Well, compared to how she treats Melissa and Frances."

"That's why I don't like going over there, Ruby."

"You notice it, too?"

"So does Kim."

"So then why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know, Ruby."

"Where did you go?"

"I picked up Kim and we hung out for a little."

I hugged him. "Kurt, I love you."

"I love you, Ruby."