It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 115

January 15, 1994

At the beginning of the therapy appointment, we went over all of the basics and she got to know me a little, but then I made sure that she knew that I needed to talk to her about what happened ASAP. Her name was Catherine and I would be seeing her every week until further notice. 

"Why are you here?" She asked. 

"Because I cut myself two days ago."

"Why?"

"Because my husband had an affair with a bitch while he was on tour with his band. Underneath our bed, I found a box filled with her shit and it made me angry, so I broke something in there and I just cut myself with it."

"Had you ever previously done that before?"

"No."

"And does Kurt still talk to Courtney?" She covered her mouth and her eyes widened. "I'm sorry, that was so unprofessional."

"No, I get it. The whole world knows about the affair," I lightly chuckled. 

"Did you ever see a therapist for marriage counseling?"

"No. Kurt and I haven't had the time to do it, but I've definitely brought it up to him because I feel like our marriage isn't going to last very long."

"Now, I'm not specialized in that specific field, so I could recommend you a separate therapist for that if you would like?"

"Please."

As I watched her write down the name, I felt something shift in my emotions towards this. I felt very optimistic and I felt like this might change things for both Kurt and I. Maybe if we took marriage counseling and talked about things that bothered us in a healthy manner, then we could save our marriage. We just needed to learn how to communicate better. And he needed to learn not to cheat. 

"Here you go," She handed me a Post-it Note. "Alright, so let's start with the very first thing that's bothering you."

"What do you mean?"

"It sounds like there's something else that's causing you to feel this way...something that you haven't properly dealt with. You have said that you have never cut yourself before, so it sounds like you bottled things up and it became too much, so you resorted to harming yourself."

"Do you mean recent problems or my whole life?"

"Let's start with your whole life."

"Oh. Well, things started when I was a teenager. It's not that my parents neglected me, but they didn't treat me the best. Then, I got a boyfriend named Robert and I got pregnant at 16. We had the kid and then I graduated high school a year early and then we moved out and bought an apartment. I think a year or two later, Robert's dad died from cancer and that really took a toll on him. A couple months later, I found him hanging from the roof in our bedroom," I started to tear up just thinking about it. 

"Take all the time you need," Catherine handed me a tissue. 

"So, I guess Robert's suicide is the root of all of my problems," I awkwardly chuckled. 

"Did you ever go to therapy for that?"

"I tell everyone I didn't, but I did. I was so fucking traumatized, but I only went a couple of times because I couldn't handle talking about it all the time. It hurt me too much."

"Well," Catherine glanced over at the clock. "It seems as though we are out of time, but this is where we'll pick up next time, okay?"

"Thank you," I smiled. "Same time next week?"

"Of course."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I arrived back home, I could smell lasagna and Lorelai ran to me and hugged me. Melissa giggled and ran to me, too. I picked her up. 

"Hi, girls!" I chuckled. 

"Dave called about an hour ago," My mom said. "How was the appointment?"

"It was good," I told her. "I'm going to go ahead and call Dave. Girls, one second. This is important."

I set Melissa down onto the ground and rushed upstairs. I called Dave back and anxiously waited for him to answer the call. 

"Hey, Ruby," He said. He seemed relaxed...a lot better than yesterday. 

"Dave, I want you to listen to me. I went to therapy today, okay? I'm going to try to-no. I am going to work on myself so something like this doesn't happen again. I really don't want to lose anyone because I'm not in control of my emotions. I need to be a better person-a better friend, a better wife, but more especially, a better mother."

"Ruby."

"Yes?"

"I love you so much. I don't want to lose you. There's been too much suicide following me since Robert-first Kurt, and now you?"

"Dave, I'm not suicidal. Trust me, the last thing I want to do right now is die."

"God, Ruby, are you okay?"

I chuckled. "I don't know what it is, but after my session today, I feel like a rock has literally been lifted off of my chest. It felt nice to talk about what happened with Robert, believe it or not. My therapist's name is Catherine. She thinks that the reason why I cut myself is because I bottled up all of my emotions and that was the breaking point for me. We're trying to find the root of the problem."

"I think Robert's death might be the root. You never really fully handled that."

"You wouldn't know; you weren't around."

He sighed. "This is why you and Kurt argue all the time."

"Because I cut myself?"

"No, Ruby!" He chuckled. "Because you're so argumentative and defensive and he's so stubborn."

"And you're a people-pleaser."

"Don't call me out like that."

"Remember when you and I went swimming one time and you saw me in a bikini for the first time and literally tripped into the pool?" I started laughing hysterically. 

He laughed, too. "Ruby, I had never seen a friend of mine in a bikini before. You had to give me the benefit of the doubt."

"And I have never seen a guy get a boner so quick."

"Excuse me, what?"

I laughed harder. "I'm going to piss my pants."

"I didn't have a boner!"

"I was just joking. Would you like to shout that any louder?"

I could feel his smile radiating off of the phone. I needed this: to have one-on-one time with Dave. I couldn't remember the last time we were able to hang out just us two. We needed it. 

"We need to hang out just us two when you get back," I told him. 

"Okay, Ruby."

"Alright. Well, I'll talk to you later."

"Okay."

"Um, Dave?"

"Yeah?"

"One quick thing before you go: Is Kurt okay?"

"He'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Tell him I'm okay. Nothing more. Just let him know I'm okay."

"Ruby, he's been listening to this whole phone call."

"Well isn't that splendid," I chuckled. "Goodbye, Dave."

"Goodbye, Ruby."