It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 152

August 28, 1994

Today was the day that Kurt and I were supposed to have our wedding ceremony, but we obviously weren't able to make that happen. 

I had to return the wedding dress, get a refund on all of the things that I could, and call every single person that was attending and give them the news that the wedding was cancelled. All of the hard work I went through just to plan this wedding was gone. It was all for nothing. 

I decided to visit Kurt's grave. Even though there was no body under it, we still decided to make him one for us. If I wanted to go visit him, or if our children did, or if any of his family wanted to. 

Dave and Jennifer babysat Lorelai and Melissa while I got some alone time with Kurt. It was weird even though he wasn't really there. 

I arrived at the graveyard and immediately started walking to Kurt's grave. 

His headstone read:

Kurt Cobain

1967-1994

Beloved father and husband

I sighed and put down a guitar pick. I decided not to buy any flowers because they would probably just get blown away or lost, and they didn't mean anything. But a guitar would signify everything. It would signify his love for music and what ultimately caused part of his death. 

I sat down and shut my eyes while crying. 

No one should ever do this, not in a million years. No one should ever have to deal with the loss of people they loved, but especially not their significant others. I would've never wished this pain upon anyone-not even James or Lars. They already went through that. 

It felt stupid talking to a fucking stone, so I didn't say anything. I just thought. 

But Kurt wouldn't have thought that it was stupid. He would've appreciated me for making an effort. If I was the one that died, I bet that Kurt would've talked to the piece of stone, too. 

"I brought you a guitar pick," I said quietly. "It's actually mine. Um, it's my favorite guitar pick. I know that it's not going to be here by the time that I visit again, but it's the thought that counts. I don't want to play guitar anymore, so it doesn't matter. I'm not going to play the guitar again, I'm not going to sing again, nothing of the sort. I don't want any of that anymore. You ruined it for me, Kurt Cobain. You ruined a lot of things for me. I'm not going to be eating Kraft Mac N' Cheese anymore, either. 

"We were supposed to get married today. I want so badly to watch our wedding video, but I'm too scared. I haven't heard your voice since the tape and I honestly don't want to hear it ever again. It makes me too sad. I don't want to see you happy, Kurt. Because right now, I feel like you didn't ever deserve to be happy. You didn't deserve all of the time and energy that I gave you."

I started to cry and I stared down at my arms. The scars were going away, but I would always remember how bad they were. Dave made me go talk to a therapist and that helped me a lot. I didn't see her anymore because I didn't need to, but it definitely helped to talk about it. 

I felt like I was doing as good as I could. I wasn't once hundred percent better, but I was never going to be able to be that way again. Kurt brought out the best in me, and now he brought out the worst in me. 

"You really fucked me up Kurt," I sobbed. "You fucked me up. I just wish that I could've said goodbye. The last thing I told you was that I loved you, but you fucking told me that you would see me soon. You knew what you were going to do, didn't you?"