It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 99

December 11, 1993

It was back to Kurt being gone again. He was always gone-or at least that's what it felt like.  I didn't like the thought of him being so far away. I get that I agreed to it, but when I'm by myself and actually think about it, it makes me scared. If something were to happen to the girls or me, he wouldn't find out until hours later. 

When the phone rang, I immediately ran to it and answered. 

"Hello?" I held it too close to my face, hoping that it was Kurt. 

"Ruby," Kurt said. 

"Oh my god, Kurt."

"Hi," I could hear him smile. "How have you and the girls been?"

"We've been good; missing you, though. Melissa actually goes up to some pictures and keeps trying to touch your face because she thinks it's you. We're counting down the days that you're comin back-it's only 22 now."

"Excuse me? 22?"

"Yeah; the day before Christmas Eve."

"Ruby, that's not the case at all."

"What the fuck do you mean, Kurt?"

"We're performing almost everyday for the rest of the year; I'm not going to be home for Christmas."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My husband wasn't going to be able to spend Christmas with his family because other people paid to see him. Maybe if I paid him, he would stay with us. 

"Are you fucking serious, Kurt?" I was tearing up. 

"We've already gone over this."

"No the fuck we haven't!"

"Ruby, I need you to calm down."

"How are you calm? You're literally going to miss Christmas with your girls. I thought you loved your girls."

"I do love my girls, Ruby."

"Then why won't you come home?" My voice cracked as I was really crying now. 

"Ruby," He sighed and groaned. "It's not my fault."

"You literally chose to have a concert on Christmas; don't give me that bullshit."

"I am so sorry!"

I stayed silent for a while. Maybe he did tell me and I just wasn't paying attention. I zoned out whenever he talked about his concerts and tried to think about other things-I never wanted to think about him leaving. 

"Ruby," He spoke softly. "I love you and the girls, okay?"

"I know you do; that's why I'm confused. Any normal human being would do everything in their power to be with their family on Christmas, but you chose not to. You chose to be gone."

"I'm sorry; I don't know what else to tell you."

I scoffed. "Alright, Kurt. I'm going to go now."

"Fine."

I slammed the phone against the wall and made my way into the bathroom and looked at myself. My eyes were all puffy from me crying. 

I shut the door and started crying. I didn't want my kids to see me like this. I needed to be strong for them and they needed to know that things were okay. But, they weren't, so that made things a little difficult. 

"Mommy," Lorelai started banging on the door and whining. "Open the door, Mommy."

"One second, Lorelai," I told her. 

"Melissa smells really yucky. Melissa stop it. Stop it! Leave me alone!"

I plugged my ears and just continued to cry. I didn't want the girls to stress me out even more. Then, I heard Melissa scream really loudly and start crying. 

I rushed out of the bathroom and saw her lying down on her stomach and crying while Lorelai was nowhere to be seen. I picked her up and rocked her back and forth. 

"Hey, what happened?" I softly asked her, as if she could answer. 

I looked at her body to see if anything was out of place and her fingers were all scrunched up in a weird way. I held them to my lips and kissed them. I rubbed her face softly and kissed her forehead and she stopped crying. She rested her head on my shoulder and still softly cried. 

"It's okay, Melissa," I told her. "Mommy's right here. Daddy isn't, but that's okay. I'm better. No, that's not true. Sorry. I'm so glad you can't understand me."

She looked up at me and started smiling. 

Melissa's smile brought me such joy. She had Kurt's smile, which was kind of weird since she barely had any teeth, but their face both looked the same as they smiled. Whenever I smiled, it looked weird, but on them, it looked beautiful. 

Melissa got the good genes in the gene pool. She was a baby that everyone loved. In the street, strangers walked up to her and would just start playing with her. If she was at a daycare, I guarantee that she would be loved by all the kids in there. She just had that effect on people. 

I walked up the stairs and into Lorelai's room. She was sitting down on her bed. 

"Lorelai, did you hurt Melissa?" I asked her. 

"No," She shook her head vigorously. 

"Lorelai," I set Melissa down on the ground and sat next to Lorelai. "If you tell me the truth right now, you will not be in as much trouble. But, if you lie to me, you will be in big trouble. I always find out the truth, Lorelai. Always."

"Alright, I did hurt her."

"What did you do?"

"I-It was an acc-accident."

"Lorelai."

"I stepped on her fingers."

"Lorelai! Why would you do that?"

"Because she kept touching me and I wanted her to stop, but she wasn't listening. You always tell us that we have to listen if someone tells us stop, but she wasn't listening."

"Lorelai, do you know how she doesn't talk?"

"Yeah."

"That's because she can't. She doesn't understand what we're saying, either. She's too young."

"I'm sorry, Mommy."

"Don't apologize to me."

She got on her knees and hugged Melissa. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," I mumbled.