It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 135

March 28, 1994

We decided that Krist was going to be driving Kurt to rehab tomorrow. But, on Kurt's last day before he went to rehab, I wanted the girls to have a good memory of him. Courtney also let Kurt pick up Frances and take her with us. 

Kurt had been spending the last couple of days with her. Yesterday, Courtney had something going on with her family, so she kept Frances. She didn't want Frances around Kurt after he had tried to kill himself in Rome. I saw how it affected him. It was not doing him any good. She probably loved seeing him in pain like that. 

But she wasn't the one that had to fucking deal with it.

We took them out to go shopping for toys. At the first store, we got a shopping cart, but none of the kids wanted to sit in it. Kurt held onto both Melissa's and Frances's fingers while I pushed the car and Lorelai went on Frances's side. 

Lorelai loved Frances. She thought that Frances was so adorable. I wondered if they were going to be close when they were older. Melissa and Frances were going to be very close growing up, just because they were really close in age, but Lorelai always got along with everyone. She was super smart, but super sassy. 

"Ball," Frances said and Kurt gasped again, and looked behind at me. 

"She just spoke!" Kurt exclaimed. 

"Ball!" Frances ran towards the balls and I saw that there were a group of teenagers running from the opposite side of her. If they both kept running, they were going to clash into each other. 

I ran and picked Frances up just in time to prevent everyone from crashing. 

"Holy shit!" One of the teenagers said. "Is that Kurt Cobain?"

"Get lost, punk," I told them. 

"Whore!" He stuck his tongue out at me and they ran away. 

"Did you hear that?" I smirked. "I'm a whore."

"No you're not," Kurt said, still in shock that Frances had said a word. "I feel like I'm missing their lives. Both of them have spoken words and I feel like I'm going to miss so much."

"Then stop doing the shit that you're doing, Kurt," I told him as I watched all the girls grab a ball. "Stop shooting up and stop going out and doing lines of coke. Stop doing that shit."

"It was a one-time thing."

"You used to tell me that you would only use heroin because your stomach hurt. You got prescribed the right medication last year that actually helped you. You're addicted, Kurt. It's hard to break an addiction, I know. I really do. That is why you're going to be going to rehab-you're going to get the help that you need, Kurt."

"You are my drug," He rested his head against my shoulder. 

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We went to the park and sat in the grassy field. All the girls ran about as I laid down on Kurt's lap. 

"You're so beautiful," I told him. "And I know I tell you that all the time, but I still feel like I don't tell you enough. Krist told me one time that you looked at yourself in the mirror and started to tear up because of how ugly you thought you were."

"Mhm. I bet you one day, the whole world is going to know that."

"And they'll disagree with you."

"While I was on tour, there was this one concert where I heard someone call me a pussy."

"Oh my god," I started busting out laughing, coming up with numerous scenarios of how Kurt responded to that comment. "What did you fucking say?"

"'You called me a vagina? How dare you.' And then Krist called them a labia."

"Your audiences are something else, Kurt, because there have been multiple occasions where girls have gotten groped. I mean, who would be idiotic enough to do that at your concert?"

"A stupid fucking shit."

"Kurt, when did you know that you loved me?"

"I don't remember the exact moment. I remember when I first realized that you were like the one, though."

"When?"

"There were multiple occasions. The first one was Halloween in 1990."

I smiled, remembering the night that we had. 

"You remember it?" He smiled. 

"Yeah, of course I do."

"Well, so, when you fell asleep on my lap, I thought of so many different things. It was like I had a flash of my future, but everything involved you."

"Really?"

"There was a different time, though. And it really makes me wonder if you are the literal female version of me."

"I'm not, because I'm way more aggressive than you are. I like yelling, you don't."

"So, you and I were walking around and you must've tripped or fallen or something. But, when you did, you were holding onto me, so you knocked me down, too. And we were inside of a store. And you knocked down a bunch of clothes, but so did I. You and I were so startled, that we ran away and didn't look back once. I don't know why I knew it was you, but it was just something about that moment. Just, running away with you and feeling the adrenaline."

"I want to grow old with you. I want to be on a patio, sitting in a rocking chair and knitting while you have a cane and you walk out-"

"Wait, wait, you have this all planned out?"

"Of course," I smiled. "Now don't interrupt. You have a cane and you walk out and you trip and fall and you yell, 'Oh my back!' I yell at you to get off your sorry ass, but your grandchild helps you (one of Lorelai's kids) up and you thank her and you and I argue all the time. We're the grump, old couple. We hate everyone except for our family. But then when everyone leaves, we play soft music and dance together."

"I remember when you used to go off on our little adventures and just randomly visit Robert's grave."

"Oh my god," I laughed in embarrassment, burying my face in the blanket we were sitting on. "Don't even bring that up!"

"Mommy, look at what I did," Lorelai ran with both of her hands in Melissa's and Frances's grasp. "Girls, say 'tag'."

"Tag," Melissa and Frances both said in unison. 

My eyes widened. 

What the fuck?

"Yet she can't say 'Mama'?" I asked. "Is that too much to ask for?!"

"You take Melissa and I'll take Frances and we'll all play tag," Kurt stood up. 

"Oh you're on," I picked up Melissa while Kurt got Frances. 

"Daddy, you're it!" Lorelai yelled and ran away. 

"Come and get us!" I stuck my tongue out at him and ran. 

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Kurt and I laid down in bed together, holding onto the other and talking. 

There was something really pleasant about that moment. We were talking about the future again and what we should do when we were older. 

We had a plan. Once our girls grew up and moved out, we would go to Hawaii and move there. Kurt would retire at a very young age, while I worked as a dancer. I would have to take belly dancing lessons, of course. We would buy a private island and live there, away from everyone else. And we would die there together. But, no one would know we were dead because we were never going to tell anyone else where we lived. 

"Kurt," I got on top of him and kissed him, rubbing his dick. "Want to make one last video?"

"I'll get the camera," He smirked.