It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 13

September 24, 1991

Nirvana had been on tour for so long and I missed Kurt so much. Sure, we called everyday, but I didn't really get to see him. Things were really hard on us. We never really argued, but there was definitely tension. 

Lorelai really missed him, too. She would constantly ask, "When is Daddy coming back?" Sometimes I would forget she was talking about Kurt and I would end up sobbing because of how bad I felt for her, but then she would get confused, and I would tell her that he would be back soon. 

In the middle of my deep thoughts, the phone rang. I answered it and asked, "Hello?"

"Hi!" Kurt shouted. 

"Kurt! I thought you wouldn't be able to call today-your record is getting released today."

"Yeah, well, that can wait."

"Kurt."

"Ruby."

"What are you doing?"

"Dave and Krist are getting ready-I am already ready. What are you doing?"

"I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"How much I miss you," Then I gasped. "Kurt!"

"Yes?"

"What if I went on tour with you guys?!"

"Oh, um, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Um, you know, the environment."

"The environment?"

"Yeah-sex, drugs, rock n' roll."

"Kurt, I know that your band does not associate yourselves with any of those except for one and that's rock n' roll. Come on, why can't we join you?"

"Because there's literally beer everywhere, it's a small tour bus-you just wouldn't enjoy it."

Kurt never had a problem with me joining him on tour. In fact, a week before he left to go on tour, we were talking about Lorelai and I joining them and traveling with them. 

"Trust me-you wouldn't enjoy it," He assured me. 

I gave up. I didn't want to argue with him. "Alright, fine."

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

I smiled-I loved hearing those words come out of his mouth. "I love you, too."

I heard a girl scream in joy in the background and Kurt quickly said, "Hey, I have to go."

"Oh, um okay," I said. "Goodbye."

"Bye. Love you."

And then the line went dead. 

What. The. Fuck. 

That was the strangest Kurt had ever acted and I hated it-I knew that something was up. If I asked him, he for sure would not tell me, but I felt like I needed to make sure that everything was alright. After all, I was his girlfriend. 

I called Dave, but he didn't answer. I knew that he would call me back when he got the chance. 

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"Goodnight, baby," I kissed Lorelai goodnight and shut the door, then took a bath. 

The whole day I had been overthinking everything with Kurt and the phone call that we had. Why didn't he want us to go on tour with him? Did he lose feelings for me and not want me around him anymore? He didn't even let me get the chance to tell him I loved him. 

What if he was getting sick and tired of me? What if he was getting so used to the lifestyle of being a musician that he didn't want to be seen with me because I wasn't famous or anything? 

What if he was doing drugs again and didn't want me to find out?

So many thoughts were racing through my mind and I couldn't calm down. 

But then, I found of an even worse possibility:

What if there was another girl? What if he found another girl that was better than me-prettier, smarter, taller, skinnier, wore makeup, everything. Maybe he did and that's why he didn't want me to go on tour with him-was because she was in the tour bus and it was smaller because of her. What if they did drugs together? What if he got her pregnant?

The phone rang which caused me to snap out of my worries. I answered it and asked who it was. 

"It's Dave," He said. 

"Oh, hi!" 

"How are you?"

"Worried."

"What's wrong?"

I sighed. "I asked Kurt if Lorelai and I could go on tour with you guys, but he said that he didn't want me to because of these stupid-ass reasons and honestly, I know it's bullshit. I just don't know why and I feel like there's another girl, Dave."

"Ruby, there's no other girl, I can promise you that, alright? Kurt's not like that."

"Promise?"

"Ruby, he loves you and Lorelai so much-he would never do that to you guys, alright?"

"Okay," I breathed slowly. 

"Hey, it's alright. What are you doing?"

"I'm currently in the bath."

"You have a phone in the bathroom?"

"I kept it with me in case Kurt called or something. How is everything going?"

"It's going great."

"Hey, we're leaving!" I heard a faint voice say in the background. 

"One second!" Dave shouted. "I have to go, Ruby."

"Alright."

"You have nothing to worry about. Kurt is just really stressed right now and he knows you won't like this lifestyle-he just wants what's best for you."

"Okay, Dave. Thanks."

"I love you."

"Love you, too. Bye."

I hung up and laid my head back. 

I knew there was something wrong.