It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 46

March 26, 1992

Kurt was let out of the hospital yesterday. We wanted to give him some time to get back in the norm and get calm. But, today wouldn't be calm. I wanted to talk to him alone. Shelli and Krist wanted to be a part of the conversation. Dave didn't want to have a conversation. He wanted to have more of an intervention. I didn't want to do that. I didn't think that it would be wise, especially considering the circumstances that we were under-all the stress and the arguing. 

I had just turn on something downstairs for Lorelai so I could talk to Kurt in our bedroom. I walked inside and I yelled as I saw what he was doing. 

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, KURT!" I yelled and slammed the door shut. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

I knew exactly what he was doing. I just didn't want to think about this. Now if I was a teenager and saw a guy doing this, boy would we be having a fun night. 

"Sorry about that," He opened up the door panting and buttoning his pants back up. "My kids are all over my painting."

"You're fucking disgusting. You get out of the hospital from overdosing and one of the first things you do is jerk off to your painting?!"

He chuckled. "I'm not jerking off to my paintings, I'm putting my children on the paintings."

"Why? Nevermind, I don't want an answer. Just get that shit out of here so I can talk to you."

"Ruby, one day people are going to find out that I do this and everyone is going to be doing it. I'll be the new Van Gough."

"I'd kill myself."

"We're going to name the new record 'I Hate Myself and Want to Die'."

"Oh," Was all I could say. What was there to say? After the stunt he pulled, I didn't think that that would be the most appropriate. 

"You don't like it," He looked down and started picking up his "painting" mess. 

"No shit I don't like it. Kurt-Nevermind. I'm not going to get into another argument."

He put his stuff away in our closet and we sat down on our bed. 

"We need to talk about what happened," I told him. 

"I know."

"What the fuck happened?"

"I hate myself, Ruby. I hate everything about me. Look at me! I'm bones, I have no fat. I can't look at myself without any disgust. God, I'm fucking ugly. Everything about me is disgusting. My hair is just atrocious! That's why I dyed it is because my hair is so fucking greasy and with my blond hair, you can tell even more that it's greasy. But most of all, I hate us." 

He paused. It hurt both of us to hear that. Why did he hate us?

"We are so unhealthy, Ruby and it's mostly my fault. I fucked things up. That's what I always do-fuck things up. I slept with another woman and in return, I got her pregnant. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life, but what hurts most of all is that you do, too because as long as we're together, you're going to see the baby and you're going to be reminded that you're with a fucking douchebag who's just a junkie and cheated on you. After that argument we had, I said something to you that fucking hurt. You already hurt from after he killed himself and I used that against you, Ruby."

He was sobbing at this point. I couldn't cry. I wasn't sad, I was angry. Everything that he said was true and I hated to admit it. 

"I got home and I grabbed the box and I shot up. Ruby, I didn't mean to overdose, I just couldn't control myself an-"

"Were you trying to kill yourself?" I interrupted him. I needed to know. 

"No, no. I would never try to kill myself."

"Have you ever tried to?"

"When I was younger, yeah. I went to the train tracks and I laid down and I put two rocks on my chest and I was waiting for the train to run me over. It got closer and closer and as it got closer, it went to the other track. That's the only reason why I'm here today."

"It's a sign, Kurt."

"I don't believe in signs."

"I don't believe in heroin."

"Stop it."

"I was just kidding. But I want you to understand that I'm furious with you. Kurt, what if Shelli and Krist didn't come?! Hm?!"

"I don't know."

"I need you to get something through that thick skull of yours. You're fucking stubborn, Kurt Cobain and I love it, but sometimes, it's bad for you. Look at you! You just fucking overdosed! I thought I lost you! What if we lost you?!"

"I don't know," He put his head in his hands and started crying. 

He needed to understand that what he was doing was not okay. 

"You can't keep pulling this shit!" I stood up. "I can't keep doing this shit!"

"Are you going to break up with me, Ruby?" He looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his. 

I could never, I thought. But I couldn't let him think that. "If it keeps going downhill, then yes."

"Oh God."

"But it doesn't have to be that way!"

"HAVE YOU SEEN ME?!"

I jumped at his sudden tone. "Please don't yell."

"I'm sorry," He cleared his throat. "Have you seen me?! My whole life is going downhill!"

"Not if we prevent it-not if we work on ourselves."

"And how do you propose we do that?!"

"I don't fucking know, Kurt! God!" I took a deep breath in, then out. I needed to calm down. We were about to have another argument and I didn't need that. "Kurt."

"Ruby."

I walked over to him and I sat down on one of his legs and hugged him. 

"We're going to get through this, Kurt," I kissed his lips. "We're going to make it. We're Kurt and Ruby."

"Kurt and Ruby. That doesn't sound well together."

"Maybe we don't go well together."

"Don't judge a book by its cover."

I smiled at him. "You know that stuff you put on the paintings?"

"My kids?"

"Yes."

"What about it?"

"Don't sell those to anyone."

He chuckled and shook his head. "I'm not going to."

"Kurt?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't ever do that again."

"I promise I won't," He rocked me back and forth, knowing that I was talking about his overdose. "I promise."