It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 11

June 6, 1991

"Kurt, you have to go," I told him, lying down in bed with no clothes on except for a shirt and underwear. 

"You look like shit," He said.

"That made me feel so much better."

"I saw what he did to you, Ruby."

"And I felt what he did to me. You have to go record-it's your album. Krist and Dave are taking Lorelai to the daycare in the hotel for the day. I'll be in here resting like I need to. Kurt, I'll be fine. If something's wrong, I'll just call you or something."

He sighed. "I don't want to leave you like this."

"You're being overdramatic."

He kissed me. "Bye."

"Bye," I waved to him. 

He walked out of the hotel and I cried softly to myself. 

My feelings were so fucking complicated. As much as I wanted him to go record his album, I wanted him to stay more. I wanted him to stay here with me and help me feel better, but he couldn't. I was telling him to go while my heart was telling me to tell him to stay. 

I felt so violated and Kurt was the only person that made me feel better. As soon as we got back to the hotel room, I felt like shit. I ran to the bathroom and threw up from how disgusted I felt. Kurt rubbed my back and pulled back my hair and told me that it would be okay even though we both knew it wouldn't be okay. 

I laid down in bed the rest of the day and Kurt was with me. Dave and Krist helped with Lorelai while Kurt helped me. He let me sleep and he tickled my back and showed me that he cared. That's all I needed-someone to show me that they cared. 

I was crying so much and I knew that I fucked up. I could've told the guy to stop, but I didn't-it was my fault. If I told him to back off, he would've known that it was bad. Kurt told me that it was all his fault, but I knew that it was partly mine, too. I felt uncomfortable-I should've gotten out of there as soon as I could, but I didn't. 

I didn't do anything. 

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I woke up to someone yelling, "HOLY SHIT!"

I rubbed my eyes and heard the door slam shut. 

"QUIETLY!" Some yelled while whispering. 

I chuckled and got out of bed, then opened up the door. 

"MOMMY!" Lorelai ran to me and hugged me. 

I hugged her. "How was it?"

"Fun! I made a new fwiend."

"Who?"

"I dunno."

I smiled and hugged Kurt. "How was recording?"

"It was fine," He said. "How are you?"

"I'm better. I just slept all day. I took a bath, though."

"Without me?!"

"Shut up," I shoved him as Dave made a gagging face. 

Krist pulled me into a hug and squeezed me tightly. It was weird and random, but I needed it. I wrapped my arms tighter around him and shut my eyes. No one had given me a hug like this before. The hug let me know I was okay and that everything would be okay. I didn't know how, but it did. 

As much as I loved Krist's goofiness, his kindness was amazing and it really meant a lot. When I was down, he wouldn't be funny and try to cheer me up that way, he would try to help. 

I let go of him and saw Kurt who was jealous. 

"Stop it," I mouthed to him.

I went onto the balcony and smelled the air-it smelled like nothing. I couldn't smell anything. 

I felt a hand on my back and saw Kurt standing there. He leaned down and kissed me. 

"Are you okay?" He asked me. 

"I'm okay," I replied. 

He smiled, nodded, then looked ahead of him. I couldn't help but stare at him. He was so beautiful and his face was so mesmerizing. It hurt me so much that he didn't know how beautiful he was-inside and out. His heart was so pure and he was just filled with love for everyone. He never showed it, but he definitely felt it. 

He looked at me and scrunched his eyebrows. "What?"

"Nothing," I grinned. 

He smiled, too. "What?"

"I'm just looking at how beautiful you are."

His smile faded. "I'm not."

"Yes you are. Why don't you think you are?"

"Have you seen me?"

"Yes," I hugged him. "That's why I know you're handsome."

"Ruby?" He let go of me and put his hands on my waist. 

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah."

He paused for a little, so I grew nervous. 

He sighed and looked down at me and kissed me. "I love you."

My eyes widened and I felt a warm feeling in my stomach. It was a feeling that I had never felt before because I felt safe. I hugged Kurt and felt safe in his arms-like nothing could hurt me. 

"I love you, too," I kissed him. 

When Robert and I told each other that we loved each other for the first time, it was very sentimental, but it was so different. With Kurt, it was like he meant it and I felt him say it. I felt him love me. 

That's all I wanted-someone who I could love that loved me back.