It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 145

April 6, 1994

I opened my eyes and rubbed them. 

Where was I?

Oh, Krist's and Shelli's house. 

"Hey, honey," Jennifer was in front of me. "How are you doing?"

I furrowed my eyebrows and sat up. 

Where was Kurt?

And then I remembered. 

My face fell. 

My heart dropped a thousand times. 

He wasn't coming. 

No, he was never coming. 

He was never coming back. 

He didn't want to stay. 

He wanted to leave me, just like Robert. 

Both Robert and Kurt had killed themselves.

What was in common with both of them was me. 

Was I the reason they killed themselves?

Was I that horrible of a person?

I let out a blood curdling scream into one of the pillows on their couch. 

I let out everything that I was feeling.

All the pain, all the sadness, all the hurt. 

I tried to let it all out.

But somehow, it felt like there was a part of it that would never escape. 

There was always going to be some there. 

And that was going to be a part that was going to stick with me my whole life. 

"Kurt," I whimpered into the pillow, as if saying his name over and over again would make him come back. "Kurt. Kurt. Kurt."

I wanted him back. 

I wanted to wake up from this god awful dream.

I wanted him to pick me up and hug me and tell me that someone impersonated him. 

He wasn't dead. 

There was no actual way that he was dead.

It was Kurt Fucking Cobain. 

No one and nothing could kill him. 

Everything that happened with Robert was happening again.

Kurt had killed himself, too.

"Ruby!" I heard someone scream my name from behind me-a female's voice-and they wrapped their arms around me. 

I didn't move. 

I couldn't move. 

I would never move again. 

"Mom, where's Kurt?" I asked. 

I knew that there wasn't a response to this question, but I wanted to hear something.

Something that would make me feel better. 

There was a little string of hope that I was holding onto that would tell me that Kurt was still alive. 

Kurt was not dead. 

He wasn't dead. 

"I'm going to go ahead and take her now," My mom said. "Come on, sweetie."

She let go of me to let me get up, but I couldn't move. 

I didn't want to move unless it was to hug Kurt. 

If Kurt was behind me, then I would move. 

I started to cry again. 

He would never ever ever touch me again.

No more hugs. 

No more nothing. 

Someone picked me up bridal style. 

I looked up and saw Krist. 

He wasn't Kurt. 

Where was Kurt?

He was so good at making me feel better about myself. 

He always comforted me and told me that things would be alright. 

What was the difference now?

Why couldn't he do it?

I was waiting for him. 

I got set down in the car. 

No words were spoken. 

I was silent the car drive. 

Where were we even going?

I imagined myself going to my house. 

Kurt would be standing in the driveway.

I would run to him and hug him and tell him that I thought he was dead.

He would tell me that he wasn't dead. 

That he was always going to be there. 

He told me that he was going to be with me as long as I lived. 

Well then where was he?

Because he wasn't there. 

My mother parked the car.

We walked inside of the house.

She brought me upstairs.

She told me to go into the guest bedroom.

I sat down on the bed. 

I laid down. 

I closed my eyes. 

I went to sleep crying, my eyes burning from how many tears were coming out. 

But that's alright.

I was going to go to sleep forever.