It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 96

October 1, 1993

In Utero was released on September 21, 1993. Being that Nirvana was the biggest band in the world, the record got a lot of attention as soon as it was released. Fans loved it. On the other hand, some fans were concerned because of the song 'Rape Me'. 

I disagreed with it. Kurt said it was an anti-rape song, but I disagreed with the title. 

"That was the whole point," He told me. 

He never answered my question properly. 

I listened to the whole record in one day and I had to say that my favorite song was 'Dumb'. I loved the way it sounded and made me feel. 

Kurt was proud of himself for making that record. He worked really hard on it and stressed himself out over it. He needed it to be perfect. Kurt was a perfectionist and a control freak. He knew what he wanted that record to sound like and he made it sound like what he needed it to sound like. 

"They're on the charts," Dave said, talking about their new songs. 

"Billboard?" I asked. 

"Yeah."

"Congratulations."

"Eh, it's not that big of a deal," Kurt took a bite of his cereal. 

"Quit being so pessimistic, Kurt Cobain. It gets tiring after a while."

"You're one to talk, Ruby."

"Oh don't go there."

"Ruby, Melissa's going up the stairs."

I turned around behind me and picked up Melissa off of the stairs.

"No no," I pointed to the stairs and shook my finger. 

She started whining for a second, but then just went back to playing with her toys. 

I sat down at the table with Dave, Krist, and Kurt. I reached for Kurt's hand under the table, but he just pulled his hand away. I sighed. 

He was doing that a lot lately. It's like he hated it whenever I touched him. I wanted to hug him, but he had a different excuse everytime that I went to hug him. I don't remember the last time that I fucking kissed him. 

"What the fuck?" I blurted out. 

"What?" He glanced at me. 

"Do I disgust you or something?"

"Ruby, not now."

"I'm tired of waiting. You don't hug me anymore, you don't kiss me anymore, you don't do anything with me anymore. Did I do something wrong? What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything, Ruby, I just don't want to do that stuff right now. I'm not feeling right right now."

"What do you mean you're not feeling right? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Forget it, Ruby."

"No!" I raised my voice. 

"We literally have people over. Can we just argue later? I know you'll be looking forward to it."

I just stared at him. What the fuck was getting into him? Ever since the new record came out, he had been acting weird towards me. It was like he didn't love me anymore. Over the past couple of weeks, I tried thinking about everything that I had done wrong, but I couldn't think of a single thing that I could've done to make him not want to be affectionate with me. 

I needed the affection. I liked being affectionate with people. I needed it. I needed to feel that Kurt loved me. It's one thing to say something, and another to do something. I do believe that actions speak louder than words. It was like Kurt was trying to tell me something by not doing anything. 

I started tearing up, so I walked outside and sat down in the grass, thinking about everything. 

I had been really sad lately with Kurt. I tried being happy around him, but he was just always pessimistic. He wasn't smiling anymore. He wasn't really playing with the kids anymore. He just locked himself in the goddamn room and played the guitar. Why was he writing more shit if he already wrote a whole fucking record? 

He didn't want to be around us anymore. It was the only thing that made sense. 

No, no, he loved Melissa and Lorelai. 

It was me that he didn't want to be around anymore. 

Before I knew it, I was sobbing. I wiped my tears. 

I needed to be happy. I needed to stop having those thoughts. The thoughts that Kurt didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave me. 

He probably never wanted to get married to me and only did it because he felt bad. 

God. 

Sometimes I wished that my life would just end. 

I laid my head down in the grass and stared up into the sky. 

It was a hypocritical thing to think, but I was allowed to have those thoughts. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts. 

Things were getting too complicated for me to handle. I grew up being told that I shouldn't have to deal with my boyfriend committing suicide. I grew up being told that I went through shit that no one my age went through. Now I'm grown up and I have the mindset that I shouldn't have to go through what I do go through. 

I shouldn't have to deal with Kurt acting like he just wants to throw up at the thought of touching me because that's what it fucking felt like. I just wanted to take a knife and plunge it into my stomach. 

I slapped my forehead repeatedly. 

Stop. 

Stop.

Stop it. 

I stopped. 

I thought about Lorelai's face and how sweet she was. Her smile that made me smile. 

That made me happier. 

I thought about Melissa and how she would always laugh whenever I fell. 

That made me happier. 

My daughters made me happier. They are the only reason that I was alive. 

I walked back inside. 

"Hey, Ruby, I'm sorry," Kurt said. "I don't know what's going on, but I'll try to work on it, okay?"

I nodded my head.

This was what it was like every single time. 

We would go back to normal and act like nothing happened. 

Then tomorrow it would be another cycle. 

And then another day. 

And then another day. 

When will it end?