It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 36

March 2, 1992

Lorelai and I ate breakfast in the hotel, then we drove back to the apartment. I didn't know what to expect when I got there. Why would Kurt sleep with Courtney again? He probably did it while they were on their most recent tour. 

That was when I decided that I was done. I didn't deserve it. I was going to break up with Kurt. He put me through so much and for what? For him to stab me in the back and hurt me again? 

I felt bad for Lorelai. Her one chance at having a father figure was gone. I didn't know if I wanted to date another man after what both of the men that I dated did to me. One committed suicide and the other one cheated on me. Twice. Was I really that bad of a girlfriend?

I got out of the car, unbuckled Lorelai, locked it, and walked inside of the apartment-it was unlocked. Why?

I saw Shelbi, Dave, and Krist in a circle around my couch. They all turned to look at me and Lorelai and looked relieved. 

"You're back!" Shelbi shouted. "Where did you go?"

"A hotel room," I replied, looking around. "Where's Kurt?"

As soon as I asked, I saw his red hair inside of the circle. I walked through Krist and Shelbi and saw him sitting there. 

"Get up," I told him and walked out front. I didn't want Lorelai to see what was about to happen. 

He walked out and I slammed the apartment door shut. 

"First of all, FUCK YOU!" I yelled at him. "Fuck you! After everything that I've done for you-"

"Ruby."

"No, no, you don't get to talk. After everything that I've done for you, you go and you cheat on me again!"

He chuckled. "No."

"Oh, so you think this is funny?"

"Ruby, I didn't cheat on you again."

"Yes you did! You got her pregnant!"

"From last year. She just told me recently."

"Oh."

I didn't know if that was better or worse. I felt bad for all that I said. 

"I didn't mean what I said," I told him. I was calm. "I didn't mean 'fuck you'. I was just really angry with you."

"I know, I know. Ruby, if you don't want to be with me anymore, I-"

"Don't say that," I hugged him tightly. 

I wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to be really angry at him, but what else could I do? I was relieved beyond belief. I was so relieved that he didn't cheat on me again. It sucked that I had to say again, but it was the truth. I didn't know what to do now. I would have to have a huge conversation with Kurt. 

Courtney was going to be in our lives'. I hated the thought of that and it caused me to shudder. 

"You cold?" Kurt asked me. 

"No," I let go of him. "That bitch is going to have to be in our lives?"

"Don't call her that."

"I can call her whatever the fuck I want to call her."

"No you can't-she didn't do anything to you."

"She had sex with you knowing that you and I were together, Kurt."

"So did-"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"So, what now?"

"I don't know."

"Me either."

"God, I hate this. We didn't even get the chance to talk about me being pregnant! It immediately went to you and her! I HATE HER!"

I walked inside and slammed the apartment door behind me and went straight into the bedroom. I needed a second to cool off. But that second to cool off turned into a nap.

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Lorelai went down to sleep and Dave, Krist, and Shelbi left. Kurt and I went into our bedroom to talk about what the fuck was going on. 

"Courtney doesn't want to share the baby with me," Kurt said. 

"Can we not talk about her for a fucking second?" I just realized that I had snapped at him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just didn't get a chance to be happy with you about me being pregnant."

"I just wanted to get the bad part out of the way to talk about the good part."

"What bad part?"

"Courtney doesn't want me seeing the baby unless we're together. I'm not going to get with her, but I'm probably going to go to court to get custody of the baby."

"Kurt, do you really think she's not going to let you see the baby?"

"Yeah, most likely."

"Okay, well, how about we solve this later?"

"It's a girl."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

It hurt to see that Kurt was happy and I hated that. I should've been happy for him, but I wasn't. It felt like he was more excited for him and Courtney's baby rather than his and mine. 

"How long did you know that she was pregnant?" I asked him.

"I found out at the beginning of the tour."

"And you didn't tell me until now?"

"I didn't know how."

"Would you have even told me if I wasn't pregnant?"

"Of course."

"Okay."

"Krist, Shelbi, and Dave know you're pregnant."

"Oh."

I should have guessed. They probably helped Kurt yesterday and he had to tell them what happened so they could help him. 

"I'm sorry you couldn't have told them," He said. 

"Oh, it's alright. I can still tell your mom and my parents."

"My mom's coming over tomorrow."

"She is?"

"Yeah."

I got up and went into the bathroom and took off my clothes to get into pajamas. I put my hair in a ponytail and started washing my face. 

"How do you think she'll react?" I asked Kurt. 

"I think she'll be happy, I don't really know and I don't really care."

"Kurt."

"What?"

I couldn't blame him for being a little rude to his mother, especially all that she did to him. All that she put him through. He didn't deserve it. 

"What about your dad?" I asked. 

"That doesn't matter."

"Don't you think he deserves to know?"

"If he wants to know, he'll reach out."

"Kurt-"

"Drop it, Ruby."

I knew that I had to contact his dad. Someway, somehow.