It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 97

November 7, 1993

"So, you guys went to the movie and watched 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'?" Jennifer asked me. 

"Yeah," I replied. 

"And it was good?"

"Yeah."

She scoffed. "I might have to go and see it for myself."

Jennifer and I had been hanging out a lot since the boys went on tour. She was very nice and I could see why Dave was attracted to her. She's not really his type, but then again, he doesn't even really have a type. 

"I really miss Dave," She whined. "Did you miss Kurt like this when he was first gone?"

"Erhm, no? I didn't really become attached to him at first. It wasn't until after we dated for a while that I really missed him."

"Oh. Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Why didn't you become attached to him at first?"

"Because I don't get attached to people. You never know what could happen."

I knew what could happen. I always feared the worst no matter the case. Some call it pessimistic, I say that it's just being prepared for the worst-case-scenario.

"Are you going to go to their unplugged show?" She asked. 

"We all are-you, me, and Shelli."

"Who's watching your kids?"

"My parents."

"That's nice of them."

"Yeah, it is."

"What would you do if you got pregnant again?"

"What would I do?" That question really started to make me wonder. I didn't even know myself what I would do. "Probably kil-Nope. Nope. I'm not going to say that."

"Kill yourself?"

I chuckled softly to myself. "Of course not. I would make Kurt stay home with me again and quit his tour after the baby was born. But I'm not pregnant."

"You're on birth control?"

"No. We just haven't had sex in a while. Something's wrong with him. He doesn't like being affectionate with me anymore."

"Have you tried talking to him about it?"

"I've tried everything, Jennifer." 

It had actually really been upsetting me. I loved feeling Kurt and feeling how warm he was. He made me really sensitive and vulnerable to just about anything. I loved when he used to look at me when I was naked and just tell me how beautiful my body was. He would touch me anywhere and it made me feel safe. 

Now, he doesn't want that anymore. He just wants to look at me. I didn't know what was wrong with him. I wish that I knew. I tried talking to Dave about it and he didn't know. I talked to Krist about it and he didn't know either. It was just all over the place. 

"I'm sorry," She smiled a reasurring smile at me.

"It's alright."

"Didn't you say that you got some footage from the Rio de Janerio concert?"

I gasped. I jumped up off of the couch and grabbed the roll of footage out of the kitchen drawer. I put it into the VHS and played it. I had completely forgotten that I got it. Jennifer thought of the weirdest things at the weirdest times. 

Watching the footage made me feel sick. It was clear how sick Kurt was and how he wasn't in his right mind. But nothing compared to when they played their song 'Scentless Apprentice' and when Kurt went and did hos own thing. He was so unhealthy and I was ashamed of myself for not seeing it sooner. I should've helped him; I should've done everything in my power to help him. But I didn't. I didn't know how. 

I shut the TV off after that song. 

"I can't watch anymore of that dreadful concert," I shook my head. 

"Me either," She said. 

"Dave looked beautiful in that bra, though," I tried to add on a lighter note. 

"Yeah, he did," She smiled.