It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 134

March 20, 1994

"Kurt's using again," Krist told me. 

"You're acting like I didn't fucking know this," I snapped back, infuriated to be hearing it from something else that wasn't my own voice in my head. "So what do we do?"

"I don't know. He doesn't listen to me anymore."

"He doesn't listen to me, either," I buried my head in my hands and started to cry. 

I didn't like where things were headed. You would think that if someone had just tried to kill themselves, that they wouldn't be doing any fucking drugs, especially after thinking about how they would never see their kids ever again. 

"Courtney won't let Kurt have Frances alone," Krist said. 

"I know, I know. That's probably what's fucking him up even more."

"I'm going to go back outside with everyone for a second so they don't suspect anything is up. But I think that we should do something."

"Rehab."

"What?"

"Rehab. He's going to rehab specifically for drug addiction."

"Ruby, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"How the hell do you think he's going to respond to that?"

"Not positively, but it will take him a while to get used to. They're professionals dealing with people who struggle with drug addiction. We've tried therapists and that didn't fucking work. I'm at my wits end, Krist! I don't know what else to fucking do!"

"Okay, okay."

He walked outside and I just stared at everyone outside. 

I knew that Kurt needed to go to rehab. There were no other options. I thought of telling him that he wouldn't be able to see his two other daughters if he was still using, but he would probably just get really angry and just hide it better this time. 

Thom had called me the next night after him and Kurt hung out and told me that they were doing lines of coke. 

I didn't know 100 percent that Kurt was using again, but Krist telling me that he was told me everything that I needed to know. 

"Look at what you're doing to her!" I heard Krist shouting from outside. "I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

I stormed outside and saw Krist yelling at Kurt. 

"Hey, hey!" I raised my voice. "What's going on?"

"Where's Lorelai?" Kurt asked me. 

"Lucinda just took her a couple of minutes ago," I replied. "You were out here with everyone else."

"And why was Krist inside?"

"He was going to the bathroom."

"I heard your guys' conversation."

Kurt wasn't even mad. He just seemed upset and ashamed of himself. I could tell that he knew that things weren't going well for him. He knew that he fucked up. What he did in Rome really messed everyone up. 

"Thom called me yesterday and told me what you guys did," I crossed my arms.

"Maybe this isn't the time or place to do this," Dave said softly. 

"Yeah, this is really fucked up of you guys," Shelli added. 

"Shut up, Shelli!" I shouted. "For the love of fucking God."

Everyone started yelling at each other, but I just stared at Kurt who was looking at the ground. He looked up at me. 

"I'll go," He told me. 

Part of me wanted him to fight back and say that he'll change and get better. That he won't even think about doing any of that shit. That he wants to get better for us. That he wants a fresh start and he knows he could do it. 

But the other part of me knew that even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to. He would just fall back into the same pattern. And I think he knew that, too. That's why he didn't try and fight back. 

'Okay'," I mouthed. "Everyone, get out! Get out!"

Krist, Shelli, and Dave all left immediately, leaving Kurt and I alone. If we were about to argue, we wouldn't be able to yell because Melissa was sleeping upstairs. 

We went into our bedroom and sat down next to each other on our bed. 

"Krist thinks I ruined you," Kurt told me. "And I think I did, Ruby."

"No, you didn't, Kurt."

"Just listen to me. Before you got with me, Dave already didn't want you to get with me. He tried to convince me not to get with you. He was hinting at the fact that he knew that I wasn't good enough for you. But I didn't listen. I felt like I met you for a reason and I was glad that I met you. So, I got with you. Ruby, you used to be so happy and so full of life. Now, when I look at you, you just look so drained and like you don't even want to be here anymore. That's my fucking fault. Look at what I'm doing to you!"

I shook my head, sobbing. "Kurt, I am not like that."

"Yes you are and you know it. I'm slowly pushing you over the edge and I'm so sorry. I need to leave and I need to get away from you guys for a little."

"I think you need to leave to get better. But I'm not fucked up like you think I am. I'm really doing okay. I really am."

"Stop lying to my fucking face, Ruby."

Kurt and I just stared at each other. 

We were two hopeless people, wanting to find love and thought we could find it in each other. Deep down, we both knew that we weren't meant to be with each other. We loved each other too much to leave the other. We both thought that we could fight and fight until we are worn out and then things would be alright. Things would get better. 

We weren't bad for each other. I had to convince myself all the time that we were just going through a rough patch, but things were going to get better. Things were going to work out in the end. Because Kurt Donald Cobain was my soulmate. 

"Do you want to get a divorce?" I asked him. 

He looked up at me. "You're all I fucking want, Ruby. But look at what I'm doing to you."

"Listen. You're going to go to rehab and you're going to get your shit together. And then you're going to come back home to us and we're going to start fresh. Fuck, if we have to move to another state, then so be it. If you have to quit Nirvana, then so be it. I'll get a job, Kurt. I'll do whatever I should just to make sure that we're going to do alright. Because Kurt, I love you so much. I really do."

"I'm just fucking it up, aren't I?"