It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 130

March 5, 1994

I woke up to the sound of talking. 

Someone winced.

"Is she hurting you?" Krist asked. 

"Yeah, but I mean, it's alright because I hurt her."

I immediately recognized the voice. I shot my head up, but instantly regretted it because I got lightheaded-I didn't drink enough water. 

I sat up in the chair and rubbed the back of my neck. It was sore due to the position that I was sleeping in last night-I was still in the chair, but my neck was on Kurt's body. 

I turned around to face Kurt and saw him staring at me with pain in his eyes. I wondered if it was from seeing me. 

I started to tear up. I wanted to hug him and kiss him all over. I just wanted to feel him. 

But he didn't deserve that. Not after the selfish thing he did. 

He hurt me. 

"Kurt, I-" Dave walked in and then saw that I was awake. "Hi, Ruby."

Kurt and I just kept staring at each other. I broke it and then looked at Dave. 

"Do they have any breakfast here?" I asked him. 

"Um, yeah, I just got some," He replied. 

"I'm going to go ahead and go get something."

"They only have vending machines."

"That's alright."

I grabbed my wallet out of my purse and then kissed Kurt. 

"I'm glad you're alright," I smiled and left the room. 

I went to the waiting room and saw that there were multiple vending machines. I went to the nearest one and just grabbed a granola bar and a bag of chips. I went to another vending machine and got myself a water bottle. 

I walked back into Kurt's room and sat down in the chair. 

"Where are Shelli and Jennifer?" I asked Dave and Krist. 

"They left last night to go back to the hotel and sleep," Dave replied. "They said they'd come back today."

I noticed Kurt looking at me in my peripheral vision. I wanted to say something to him, but I didn't know what to say. There was too much to say at once. On one hand, I was so grateful that he was still alive and nothing bad happened to him. On the other hand, I was pissed at him for what he did. 

I sighed, realizing that he wasn't going to say anything first. 

"Did you do it on purpose?" I asked Kurt. 

"What?" He blinked quickly. 

"Did you overdose on purpose? Did you try to kill yourself?"

"Ruby," Dave said in a soft tone. 

"Shut up, Dave," I snapped. "I have every fucking right to know. Kurt, answer my goddamn question. Did you do this on purpose?"

He looked down at the side of his bed, away from me. 

That gave me the answer I needed. 

I gasped, covering my mouth with my hands. 

"You're-" I started to cry, not being able to get any words out. "Oh my God!"

I rushed out of the room and into the hallway, sobbing. 

This was the second time he had tried to kill himself in our relationship. This was the fourth time he had overdosed in our relationship.