It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 38

March 17, 1992

We had been packing the whole day. We got majority of our stuff packed-we only had the big furniture left and some extra shit that we were more than likely going to get rid of. 

"Thanks for helping," I thanked Gavin, Shelli, Krist, and Dave. 

"Ruby, can I talk to you for a second?" Gavin asked me. He pulled me aside. "Why didn't Kurt want you helping out with packing?"

I didn't even know. I mean, it was only for the heavier things. Then, I remembered why. "Because I'm pre-" I didn't tell Gavin yet. 

"You're what?" He looked at me with wide eyes. 

"I'm pregnant." I still hadn't told my parents yet. Everyone knew except for them. 

"Oh," He looked away and gripped the front door handle really hard. 

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" He opened up the door and walked out. 

"Hey, where'd Gavin go?" Shelbi came up to me. 

I didn't answer her. She didn't need to know. I walked outside and saw him struggling to unlock his door. 

"Let me hel-"

"I don't need your help!" He raised his voice at me as I approached him. 

I softly grabbed the keys from him and unlocked the door for him and opened it up. His hands were trembling and he was wheezing. He walked inside very slowly and sat down on the floor, putting a hand on his chest and breathing deeply. He was having trouble breathing. 

I sat down next to him. "Hey, what's wrong?"

I put my hand on his back, but that seemed to just make it worse. He was having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do in these type of situations. How was I supposed to help? What did I say? Maybe I could distract him. 

"Your house looks really nice," I said. 

He just nodded his head and leaned his head back against the wall. 

"Hey, listen to me," I put my hand on his. "How about we go out to eat? We can go wherever you want to. I'll pay for it, too."

That didn't seem to calm him down. 

"Remember that one day where you, me, Shelbi, and Lorelai went to laser tag? God, I sucked. But you, you were worse," I chuckled. "You fucking tripped on air!"

"Your foot was there," He whispered and I could see him form a smile. 

"So now you're calling my foot fat? Okay." I rubbed my finger in circles on his hand. "Lorelai has a lot of fun with you. I do, too. You know, I'm so glad I met you."

He leaned forward and put his head in his hands. "I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"That."

He still couldn't talk normally, his voice was softer. 

"Hey, Gavin, it's not your fault."

"I don't know why that happened. I mean, I do, but-"

"Why did it happen?"

"Ruby, I'm in love with you."

I was surprised. "What? No, you're not. Gavin-"

"Ever since that night I spent at your house (the first night we met each other), I knew that I loved you. Just everything about you is so wonderful. Your hair, your face, your lips, everything. I hate how Kurt treats you. He fucking cheated on you and you're still with him. I could treat you better, Ruby."

"Gavin, no. We're not going to have this conversation."

"I thought that you and Kurt weren't doing so well. I finally thought that I had a chance. And then you go and you get fucking pregnant."

I started crying. It seemed like no one was happy that I was pregnant. I just wanted to be happy for once and I couldn't. Was I the only one that was happy that I was going to bring another life into this world? Wendy got upset, Kurt, and now Gavin. I couldn't take it anymore. 

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry," He said. 

"Everyone that has found out that I was pregnant was upset. I can't fucking be happy anymore."

He sighed and hugged me. "Ruby, I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am. I feel terrible. Are we still on for going out to eat?"

I looked at him hard. "No. Let's just go back. Are you okay?"

"Am I okay?"

"The panic attack."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

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"Lorelai, Mommy and Daddy have some news for you," I told Lorelai as we were putting her down to bed. 

"Is it good or bad?" She asked. 

"It's good," Kurt assured her. 

"What is it?"

"Well," Kurt looked at me, then her. "Mommy has a baby in her tummy."

"WHAT?!" Lorelai sat up. 

"I have a baby in my tummy," I smiled. 

"YAY!" She hugged me. 

"You're going to be a big sister!"

She hugged Kurt and started screaming. "I'm going to be a big sissy!"

"Yes you are," He chuckled and hugged her. 

I was happy in that moment. As long as they were happy, that made me happy. 

I just wished we could've been happy forever.