It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 20

December 15, 1991

I laid in my bed every single day for the next week. I felt numb and I just didn't want to do anything. 

It sucks being cheated on. 

I didn't do anything to Kurt to make him do that, right? Then why did he do it?

Why did he do it? That's what no one would tell me. No one told me that he cheated in the first place, but no one would tell me why. I couldn't help but think that it was my fault and that I shouldn't have been such a bitch to him and I should've been there for him more. 

Maybe he lost feelings for me. Maybe he didn't love me anymore. I didn't know. 

My mom tried to help me, but she gave up after the fifth day. Finally, my dad came in. 

"Ruby, sit up," He sat down on the edge of my bed. "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. That man's a fucking retard. Now, I know you don't like it when people say that things are retarded, but anyone who cheats on you is fucking retarded. Stop putting all your trust into one person. Look at what happened with Robert. I'm not saying you can't be upset, but you put all of yourself into him and you made him your top priority.

"What Kurt did was not okay. He should not have done that to you, but relationships are tricky. It seems that no matter what, something bad is going to happen. I thought that your mother and I were going to get a divorce."

"When?"

"A couple years before you were born. We talked it out, though. And we had you."

"Eww!" I chuckled. 

"No, not like that. Ruby, you are so beautiful and you are so intelligent-it amazes me."

"What do I do, Dad?"

"I'm not going to tell you what to do. You do what feels right. If you want to give him another chance, give him another chance. But I'm beating his ass if he cheats on you again. Don't let a man hurt you so much that you don't eat and you stay in your bedroom for a week-that's not healthy. Let a man make you feel better and let him worship you because you deserve to be worshipped, okay?"

"Okay."

"Come here," He gave me a hug. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"What's wrong with Dave?" He asked as we walked out. 

"What do you mean? Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's just upset."

"He knew that Kurt cheated on me and didn't tell me."

"That was a dick move."

"You're telling me."

The doorbell rang, so my dad answered it. When he opened up the door, I saw Kurt standing there. 

"You've come over every single day-what do you want?" My dad asked him.

"Ruby. I want Ruby."

I walked to the front door and walked outside with him. 

"Let's talk," I told Kurt. 

We went into his car and drove to a park. We went somewhere where no one would hear us and I just stared at him. 

"I know I messed up," He said. "I fucked up big-time. I know I did. But it meant nothing to me. I felt like shit the next day and realized I fucked up."

"You lied to me, Kurt. You told me you didn't."

"I wasn't going to tell you over the phone."

"Kurt, if I didn't ask you if you cheated on me, would you tell me?"

"Eventually. But, I got so close with her because she got me heroin-"

"Excuse me, what?!"

"I thought that Dave told you. He told me he told you."

"What the fuck?! You're doing heroin, again?! You promised me you wouldn't do it again!"

"I know, but I-"

"Are you fucking serious, Kurt?! Why would you do that?!"

"My stomach, Ruby!"

"I'm starting to believe that that is a bullshit excuse."

"Yeah, you're right-I'm lying about my stomach hurting. The pain is unbearable, Ruby. I could barely move on the tour. She had heroin."

"Then let's see someone, Kurt. Let's go to the doctor tomorrow."

"Ruby, that's not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Fine, fine, we'll go."

"Kurt."

"Yeah?"

"Fuck. You. You made me feel like shit. Do you understand how hurt I was?! I thought for seven days straight: We haven't had sex in months and he's gone and goes and has sex with someone else. I got so scared out of me ever-living mind that you were going to leave me because she was better. Kurt, you lied to me. I felt like shit and honestly, I thought about cutting myself, but I didn't. Do you know why? Lorelai."

"You what?"

"I thought about cutting myself. I was in so much emotional pain that I just wanted some physical pain to take over or whatever."

"Why didn't you do it?"

"Lorelai. I would lose her."

"You wouldn't care about losing me?"

"Kurt, you're already starting to lose me. With the path you're going down, you're starting to lose me. I'm not joining you in and doing all those fucking drugs with you-you will get better. If your stomach is the real reason why you're doing it, then we're going to get you help."

"Please don't hurt yourself."

"How can I not hurt myself if everyone around me is hurting me?"

"I don't know."

"Kurt, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Do you even love me anymore?"

He looked at me straight in the eyes. "Ruby, I love you with every fiber in my body-I will never stop loving you. I made a stupid fucking mistake and I regret it. I wish I had never met her, but I did. She's a fucking bitch, Ruby. I'm never talking to her ever again and I'm going to stay with you."

"How do I trust you?"

"She lives in Seattle, far from here. Can I please hug you?"

I reluctantly walked towards him and hugged him. I felt him start to cry, so I hugged him tighter. 

I was so unbelievably upset, but I was a little relieved that I had Kurt again. It was crazy that after all he put me through, I would still crawl back to him. Kurt was my life and I needed him in my life. 

"Please don't cut yourself or anything," He begged. "Ruby, I'm begging you."

"I won't, Kurt. I promise I won't."

I put my hands on both sides of his face and kissed him. I kissed him very softly, but then he put his arm on my back and pulled me into him, causing me to kiss him harder. 

Did I forgive him? Absolutely fucking not. 

Did I trust him? Absolutely fucking not. 

Did I love him? Absolutely.