It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 108

January 2, 1994

It was the morning that we had to leave. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and spit out the toothpaste, then rinsed my mouth out. 

Kurt and I were both exhausted after their concert last night, but we were also really upset that we were going to have to be leaving each other yet again. 

I was up for an hour last night just staring at Kurt while he was sleeping and cried. I didn't want this to be our lifestyle. But no matter how many times I brought this up to him, I knew that nothing was going to change it. 

I walked into the living room and saw everyone standing there with their bags packed. 

There was definitely tension.

I held Melissa and we all brought as much as we could downstairs. Surprisingly, there were not a lot of fans asking for autographs. Did they reject every single one? Yes. 

I put Melissa into the car seat of our rental car and put one suitcase in the trunk. Gretchen stayed in the car with her and Lorelai while Kurt and I grabbed our other bags. Once we finished, I drove us to the airport. 

It felt odd because normally it was only Kurt that was flying; not just me. I didn't want to be flying on my own. It made me nervous just thinking about it, so that was another reason why we asked Gretchen to babysit. It wasn't the main reason, obviously. 

Kurt held my hand as I drove and I started to cry. I wasn't going to be feeling his touch for long. 

When we arrived at the airport, my heart literally collapsed. Once Kurt and Gretchen had gotten out of the car, I covered my mouth and started bawling. I placed my sunglasses on, took a deep breath in, then out, and helped Kurt take the suitcases out of the trunk. 

"Ruby," Kurt softly said. 

"Yeah?" My voice cracked. 

"Fuck."

He started crying, too, and we hugged each other while softly crying, not wanting the other to hear us. 

"Alright, let's go, girls," I heard Gretchen softly say. 

I pulled away from Kurt and wiped my nose. 

"The girls," I faked a smile. 

I let Kurt hold Melissa while his other hand held Lorelai's hand. 

"Are you guys alright?" Gretchen whispered in my ear. 

"Yeah, we're alright."

"What are you going to do with the car?"

"Kurt has people taking care of that and the suitcases." 

I turned around and already saw people taking the suitcases-one of the luxuries of being famous. 

We walked inside and went through all of security, baggage checking (which we didn't have to do), etc. But then came time to go to our stations. Krist, Dave, Pat, Shelli, and Jennifer eventually caught up with us. Shelli and Jennifer were staying with them, but I had to go. 

If we didn't have the girls, I would've stayed with Kurt. I wanted more than anything just to have one more day with Kurt. I hated goodbyes. I always had and I always will. They were the hardest part in life. But at least I got to say goodbye to Kurt. I wasn't able to do that with Robert. 

I gave Krist a hug, then Pat, then Shelli, and then Jennifer. But my hug with Dave was different. He held me tighter-it was like he could sense that I was upset. 

"It's going to be alright," He whispered into my ear. 

"Thank you, Dave," My voice quivered as I walked back to my husband and our kids. 

Kurt walked us to the boarding area and I started bawling. 

"Say 'bye'," I told Lorelai. "Say 'bye' to Daddy."

"Daddy's not coming with us?" She asked. 

"No, he has to work."

"When will you be back?"

Kurt picked her up. "Oh my goodness gracious, you're getting heavy. I'll be back before you know it, okay?"

"Okay." She kissed his cheek and hugged him. "Bye, Dad."

"Bye, Lorelai. I love you so much."

She giggled. "I love you more."

"That's not even possible."

Kurt gave Melissa a hug and a kiss on her head, then handed her off to Gretchen. 

"I'll go take them on the plane," Gretchen said. 

"Are you sure?" I asked her. 

"I'll give you two some alone time."

She walked away with our girls and I immediately wrapped my arms around Kurt. 

"Please come with us," I whispered softly to him. 

That was when he started cry"Kuring. 

"Ruby," His voice cracked and he was sobbing. "You know I can't do that."

I held onto him tighter. "I don't want to go without you. I want you to stay with me. I don't want to say goodbye."

"I know, I know. It'll be over before you know it."

"Not tomorrow, though. Or the day after that. Or the day afte-"

"Ruby," He crashed his lips onto mine, our tears colliding against each others'. 

"Kurt," I said, after he slowly lifted his lips off of mine. 

"Last call for Seattle, Washington," A lady shouted. 

"No," I was sobbing harder. I didn't even know that was possible. 

Kurt was shaking his head, but then stopped. He knew that he needed to stay strong. 

He kissed me one last time. "I love you, Ruby."

"I love you, Kurt."

There was no turning back now. I knew that nothing could change what was about to happen. 

"Goodbye, Ruby."

"Goodbye, Kurt."