It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 34

February 24, 1992

I woke up and opened my eyes-the sky was right above me, the blue piercing my eyes. I was not used to the bright colors yet. I sat up and looked around me. I was on a bench. 

How did I get there? I couldn't remember. I looked all around me and what I saw behind me helped me regain my memory-it was the graveyard. 

I had stayed for so many hours that I ended up trying to walk to my car, but I was too tired that I fell asleep on the bench. I walked to my car and grabbed the car keys out of my pocket. I got into the car, started it up, and drove home. 

I was scared the whole ride home. Did anyone look for me? Was Kurt worried? I was gone for the whole night and left without any warning. Poor Kurt. I was in the middle of playing the guitar and just stopped and walked out. He didn't hear from me for the rest of the day. 

I started shaking violently as I approached the apartment complex. I parked my car and walked towards the door. I got out my keys, but they were jangling so loud from how badly my hands were shaking. Even my eye was twitching. 

Right as I was about to unlock the door, I heard a scream from behind me, running footsteps, then a pair of arms wrap around me. 

"WHERE WERE YOU?!" They yelled. 

It was Shelli. Part of me was hoping that it was Kurt, but he wouldn't scream like that. 

I didn't answer her, though. I wasn't ready to. She wouldn't understand. I needed to tell Dave first. I needed to talk to him. 

"Shelli, I have to get inside," My voice was quiet and humble. 

She let go of me and I unlocked the door, took a deep breath, then walked inside and saw Dave screaming into the phone and Krist next to him. Where were Kurt and Lorelai?

Dave looked at me and ran towards me then hugged me. He didn't say anything, he didn't make any noise. He just hugged me and I hugged him back while crying. He had never hugged me like that before. He was scared. I hated seeing Dave scared. Dave wasn't really a tough guy, he was really fragile and special to me. I hated that I scared him. 

"Where were you?" His voice trembled. 

"Rob-" I couldn't even get the words out, I was crying so much. 

"I'll go get Kurt," Krist said and I heard him walk outside. 

Dave let go of me. "Robert?"

"I visited him."

"How?"

"Grave."

His eyes widened. "You went there?"

"I had to."

"You fucking scared all of us, do you know that? I did not get any fucking sleep last night! And Krist had to help Shelli! And don't get me started on Kurt. Oh my God. Lorelai was calling your name and Kurt had to tell her that we didn't know where you were. He slept next to her the whole night. No, no, he didn't even get any fucking sleep. He yelled at the police because they couldn't do anything until it had been 24 hours and-"

"I GET IT, I FUCKED UP! JUST FUCKING STOP!" I pushed him away and walked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. 

I climbed on top of my bed and started crying. I really fucked up. God, I couldn't do anything write. I visited my dead boyfriend and caused a fucking problem. 

"Where is she?" I heard Kurt's voice from my bedroom. 

I prepared myself for his yelling. I deserved it. I didn't tell him anything, I just left. 

The bedroom door burst open and he looked at me. He walked to me and pulled me off of the bed and into a hug. I heard his breath hitch as he started to cry. I rubbed his back. I couldn't say anything-not yet. I just needed to absorb the moment. He didn't yell at me or anything. He was just being there for me. 

After a little, he let me go. 

"Where the fuck did you go, Ruby?" He asked me. 

I finally had a chance to look at his eyes. He had such huge bags under his eyes and they were so droopy. I did that to him. 

I sighed and told him that I visited Robert's grave and fell asleep on the park bench. It sounded like a stupid reason to be out all night, but it was my reason. 

"Why did you leave when you were playing the guitar?"

"Because I-" I didn't know if I was ready to tell him or not. I didn't know what I was scared of, but I forced myself to tell him. He deserved to know. "I wrote that song when Dave and Robert were in the room and I just got upset thinking about it."

He forced a half-smile and hugged me. "It's okay."

I still felt bad and I knew that he was upset about the whole situation. I mean, how could he not be? He had every right to be upset about it. 

"MOMMY!" Lorelai's voice brought me out of my thoughts. 

I felt her arms wrap around my legs and I started crying. How could I just leave her like that? I picked her up and hugged her. She was so big. I remembered the day that I gave birth to her and the feeling I got once I held her-it was a magical feeling that I would remember forever. 

"I'm sorry, baby," I told her. 

"Don't leave me, Mommy," She put her hands on my face and made me look at her. 

"I'm not leaving."