It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 17

November 8, 1991

I scared Lorelai, so I took her out to the mall. She hated it when people cried, and I basically crushed her while sobbing the day before. 

"What do you want to eat?" I asked as we walked inside the mall. 

"Mac N' Cheese!" She squealed. 

We walked up the escalators and into the food court. She ran towards the grill and I saw that they had Mac N' Cheese on their menu. I ordered it for her, then we found a seat and sat down. 

"Why aren't you eating?" She asked. 

"I'm not hungry. Do you want to go shopping afterwards?"

"Yes!"

"What do you want to get?"

"A toy!"

"Hurry and eat your food so we can go get you a toy, then!"

We went into a bunch of random stores and we went into a stuffed animal store. It was so weird. Lorelai picked out a unicorn she saw and I bought it for her. 

We looked around for a couple more hours, then went to the park. I sat down on a bench and watched her play. Before she ran off, she handed me her unicorn and told me to take good care of her. 

I smiled as I watched Lorelai. She was so wild and so obedient. She was the perfect daughter. I loved her so much-she filled my heart with joy. She was growing up so fast, though. She was already five. I remembered the day that I gave birth to her. 

The pain was excruciating. I mean, I never thought I would be able to hurt that bad. But as soon as I saw her, it was like the pain died and down. I looked at her and thought, "That's my daughter." When I held her for the first time, it felt like magic. 

She was so tiny and fit perfectly in the crook of my arms. 

Was I ready? Fuck no. But, I tried my hardest to give her a stable environment. 

After Robert committed suicide, I was scared I wasn't going to be a loving mother and I was scared I wasn't going to be enough for her, but she turned out just fine. I was so thankful everyday and no words could describe how lucky I was-I could've had it way worse. 

Because no matter what, I would always have Lorelai. 

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I set Lorelai down in her bed and covered her with the blanket. 

"Goodnight," I kissed her forehead, then shut the door. 

We were out really late. We ended up going to the store and getting dinner, then had a picnic and looked up at the stars for a little while. Before I knew it, it was already seven, so she fell asleep in the car. 

The phone started ringing, so I set down my purse and answered it. 

"Hello?" I asked. 

"RUBY! OH GOD!" Someone shouted. 

"Hello?"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE?!" I recognized the yelling as my dad's voice. 

"Because I was out all day with Lorelai."

"Oh. Well then. Your mother and I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

"We have been treating you like shit for the past couple of years," My mother said. "But you haven't been treating us the best, either. You made a poor choice and expected us to help you. You got pregnant, it's your responsibility to take care of that baby."

"I would've thought that I could've gotten at least a little bit of help from my parents. That's besides the point. I did take care of her and look at where I am."

"We're proud of you."

"You're what?"

"We're proud of you," My dad said. 

"You are?"

"Look at you!" She exclaimed. "You did all of this by yourself!"

I smiled. "Thanks, Mom."

"We're going to drive to Washington for Christmas."

"No way!"

"Yes! We're going to spend Christmas with you and Lorelai!"

"You are?!" I started crying. "You really are?!"

"Yes," My dad said. "We love you, Ruby. I'm sorry that it seems like we don't but we do."

"We love you so so much," My mother said. 

"I love you, too."

"We'll call you back later, goodnight," My mom said. 

"Goodnight."

"We love you!" My mom and dad both said at the same time. 

"I love you, too," I hung up the phone and stopped crying and wiped my tears. 

It felt like things were really coming together. I was just scared they were going to fall back apart. 

At least I would have my parents. 

My phone rang again, so I answered it. 

"Hello?" I asked. 

"RUBY!" Dave shouted. "OH, HOLY FUCK! RUB-"

"Where the FUCK were you?!" Kurt yelled. 

"Nice to hear from you, too."

"Answer the question, Ruby."

"I was out all day with Lorelai."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Sorry, last time I checked, you've been so busy lately that you haven't been able to talk to me. Kurt, I'm in a good mood, do not ruin this for me."

He scoffed. "Fine. Dave, here's the fucking phone."

"Ruby?" Dave softly spoke. 

"What's up Kurt's ass?" I asked. 

"I don't know. He's been happy all day."

"Sorry, I was out all day with Lorelai."

"Don't apologize-you were with your daughter."

"Dave, does Kurt hate me?"

"He doesn't hate you."

"It really seems like it."

"How about this: How about you guys take a break from talking to each other? It seems like you both are really stressed out and need to be separated."

"But I want to talk to him."

"I know you do."

"Okay."

"Ruby, get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. I miss you so much."

"We'll see each other soon."

"How is it going?"

"Touring is fucking wonderful, Ruby."

I smiled. "I'm glad."

"Talk tomorrow?"

"I have work."

"Alright, well, talk to me when you can."

"I will."

"Bye."

"Bye."