It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 114

January 14, 1994

I woke up embarrassed of my actions from yesterday. I didn't even know what came over me. I had never cut myself before in my life and I have never even thought about doing something like that-especially after what happened with Robert. 

After my mom decided she was done comforting me, she had all of my family leave. Lorelai went home with Gretchen and Travis and had the sleepover with Nicole like she wanted. My mom and dad spent the night at my house. 

I walked downstairs and winced as my arm hit the bannister. I tightened the bandage and put the pins back, then saw my mom playing with Melissa. As soon as she saw me, her smile faded. 

It was like my teenage years all over again. 

I walked over to Melissa and rubbed the side of her face with my right arm. 

"Hi, baby," I started to softly cry. 

"I went ahead and booked an appointment with a therapist for you," My mom said. 

"Don't you have to schedule those ahead of time?" I asked. 

"For tomorrow. You're lucky that she had an opening. You're also lucky that you don't need any stitches, Ruby."

We went to Urgent Care right after everybody had left to check and see if I needed stitches, and I didn't. 

"Dave called last night," She casually added. "He told me that Kurt was worried and he was hysterical. He told Dave what happened and Dave called hoping that you would answer, so he got a little worried when he heard me answer and not you. I told him that you were alright and that you would call him back today."

"Did you tell him what I did?"

"No," She shook her head and fed Melissa another spoonful of her peas. "I'd figured I'd let you do that."

"Thanks, Mom," I sarcastically said, although I was glad that she didn't in a way, so that she wouldn't twist anything around. She still didn't really exactly know why I did it. "What's Gretchen's address?"

"Why?"

"I'm going to go ahead and pick up Lorelai now."

"No you won't," She spun around in the chair to face me. 

"And why not?" I folded my arms across my chest. 

"Your arm! Hello?!"

"It's my non-dominant arm-and I can still use it."

"I'm not talking about your arm, I'm talking about what you did. You're not mentally healthy for you to be alone with your kids. Your father and I will be staying here for the time being."

"Mom!" I groaned. "I'm literally not going to do it again! Why would I do that?!"

"Why would you do it when your whole family was downstairs? Better yet, why would you even do it in the first place? You still haven't told me."

"I don't think I'm ready to just yet," I lied and glared at her. 

I went up to my room and called Dave. 

"Dave?" I asked as he answered. 

"Ruby?" He gasped. "What happened? Are you okay?"

I started to softly tear up again. Thinking about everything that had just unfolded made my heart break again. 

"I did something really bad, Dave," I whispered. "God, it's so fucking stupid, really. I'm a grown-ass adult. You would think that I would be able to handle something like this."

"Kurt told me what happened. He's not okay right now."

"I don't give a fuck how he's doing," I spat. "I'm so fucking angry at him. I don't give two shits. I hope he feels like shit. I really hope he does."

"What did you do?" His voice trembled. 

I felt so bad for Dave. For his whole life, horrible things happened around him and most of them were indirect towards him-the only thing that I could think of that wasn't was Robert. If I told him about what I did, God knows how he would react. Would he be mad at me or upset with me?

"I-" I choked on words to say. I didn't want to admit to it out loud. It made me seem weak. "I hurt myself."

Silence. 

More silence. 

Then a breath. "Ruby, how?"

"I broke a vase that was in the box and I cut myself on my left arm with it."

"Ruby!" He yelled at me and he started crying. 

That made me cry. I would never want to hurt Dave. I would go out of my way to make sure that whatever I did did not hurt Dave. But here I was and I hurt Dave yet again. 

"I'm so sorry," Was all I could tell him. I didn't know what else to say. "I didn't mean to."

"Why would you fucking do that?!"

"Is she alright?" I heard a faint voice ask over the phone. 

"Get the fuck out of here, Kurt," Dave said. 

"That's my fucking wife you're talking to!" Kurt shouted. "I have every right to know what the fuck is going on with her!"

"You know what you don't have every right to do?!" Dave's voice thundered and his tone turned from sadness to anger. "You don't have every right to hide a fucking box of Courtney's shit under the bed that you share with your wife-the mother of your children! I know that Ruby is hard to deal with sometimes-well, most of the time-but you do not have every right to do that! This is all of your doing!"

I heard a door slam and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of Dave standing up for me. He's not a confrontational person, so it definitely took a lot in him to do that. It just showed how much I meant to him. 

"What the fuck is going on in here?!" I heard Krist faintly say. 

That was when I heard Dave break down and cry. 

"I can't fucking deal with this," Dave started to hyperventilate. "I need to go for a walk. I hope you feel better, Ruby, but both you and Kurt are in the wrong and it is not fair for you guys to put me in the middle of this."

The line hung up and I was left all alone. 

I started to cry. 

Hard. 

It felt like I had lost everything. 

My marriage with Kurt was going downhill, my best friend was mad at me, and I wasn't allowed to be left alone with my daughters-the only thing in life worth living for. This wouldn't have happened if I could've just got control over my emotions and thought rationally. 

But I couldn't think rationally. There was something different in the way that I was feeling when I found that box. It almost hurt as bad as him cheating on me. Maybe he still had feelings for Courtney and that's why he kept it. Or maybe he was still hooking up with Courtney. 

I wanted things to go back to the way they were, before I met Kurt.