It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 109

January 5, 1994

We arrived at the bridal store and I was in awe. There were chandeliers hanging from the ceilings, mirrors all around the store, and a lot of white. 

"What color dress were you wanting?" Andy asked me. 

"White," I simply replied and started walking towards the dresses. I invited Andy, Gretchen, and my mother to come help me pick out a dress. It was a lot of people to just try and find a dress, but I wanted all of their inputs. I would've invited Shelli and Jennifer, but they weren't able to go since they were with Nirvana. 

"What kind of design are you going for?" My mom asked. 

"Um, I was thinking something with maybe silky long sleeves or lace? Maybe something that's longer and a little flowy, but not too puffy. Or maybe something tight. I don't fucking know. Ugh."

"You'll be alright," Gretchen said. "You also don't have to find a dress today."

"But don't slack off too much," My mom reminded me. "You don't want it to get too late."

"Alright, alright."

I looked around and ended up picking out three dresses. 

The first one was a white mermaid dress with a sweetheart neckline and spaghetti straps, a little trail, and some flowers were embedded on the top half of the dress. 

I looked in the mirror and looked hard at myself. I didn't really like how I looked in it, but I was still going to show my family and friends. 

When I stepped out, they gasped, but it was most likely because they had never seen me in a wedding dress before. I smiled, because it made me feel happy and appreciated. If they thought that I was pretty, God knows how Kurt would feel when he saw me for the first time. 

That was all that I could think about: Kurt's reaction to seeing me wear this dress. I wanted him to cry and cover his face with his hands because of how pretty I looked. I always pictured him doing that and then Lorelai and Melissa running from behind me and we all hug him. The perfect family. 

"What do you guys think?" I asked. 

"I don't like it," My mom said. 

I scoffed. "Thanks, Mom."

"Well, do you like it?"

"Not really."

"Go try on the next one then."

"Alright."

I stepped back inside of the dressing room and tried on a different dress. 

The second dress was a dress with a sweetheart neckline, off-the-shoulder sleeves, a lacy top with some beads on it, and the bottom of the dress had some designs embedded onto the bottom of it. 

I looked myself and just got this feeling that this was the one. I wanted to get married (again) in this dress in front of everyone. I wanted Kurt to see me wearing this. I felt beautiful in it and I didn't even have my hair done or anything. It just felt right. 

I walked out with a huge smile plastered onto my face. Looking at everyone's faces, I knew that they thought the same thing that I did. 

"I don't even want to try on any other dresses," I admitted. "I feel like this one is the one."

"Ruby," My mom was tearing up. 

"Mom," I chuckled softly. 

"Wait, isn't Kurt already your husband?" Andy randomly asked. 

"Yeah, but we kind of eloped," I explained. "We want to get married and have an actual ceremony."

Everyone started complimenting me and I was smiling from ear to ear. 

"Okay, I think this is the one," I smiled. "We just have to check and see how much it is."

"It's only $259.99," My mom said. "We should get it now, then."

I hurried and changed out of it, put my clothes back on, and we went to the cash register to pay. 

I got lucky. Normally girls don't find a dress this easily that they like and I didn't even know what kind of dress I wanted.

My mom, Andy, and Gretchen all paid for it and I thanked them all. 

"Thank you all for coming," I told everyone as we walked out. "That was a lot easier than I imagined that it would be."

"You just got lucky," Andy shrugged her shoulders. "We should go out to eat for lunch."

"Sure," I agreed, but in reality, I really didn't want to. I wasn't feeling up to it. In that moment, all I wanted to do was be with Kurt or hear his voice. I probably could if I went inside a restaurant-they would most likely be playing one of his songs-but still. 

I wondered sometimes if he was planning on breaking up with me because of how I react whenever he has to leave. I would hate to deal with that every single time I had to leave to go do something that I didn't even want to do. 

Poor Kurt. Always everyone made him out to be a negative person and just so full of hatred, when in reality, he was the complete opposite. I never understood how people could think that. They all just must be super judgmental then.

"Ready to go?" Gretchen asked me. 

"I guess so."