It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 62

September 27, 1992

It was the day that I was dreading the whole year. It finally came. Kurt didn't know what it was. The previous years, I was able to hide it but I couldn't hide it anymore. I needed to finally endure it-I would have to eventually. 

I got up and out of bed and got reminded of Christine in Phantom of the Opera and how I would be doing the same thing that she would be doing. I put on a black shirt with black jeans and a black sweatshirt over my shirt so that my bloated stomach wouldn't show. I brushed my hair and teeth and I looked at myself. 

I was disgusted. 

I walked downstairs and saw Kurt rocking Melissa back and forth while Lorelai was coloring something. 

Kurt looked up at me and smiled. "Where are you going?"

I didn't answer. Instead, I kissed his lips, Melissa's head, and Lorelai's head. 

"I'll be back," I spoke. 

"No, we're not doing this again," He said. "Tell me where you're going."

I put on my sandals. "Out."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I brought the flowers from my car and I wrote the note. I bought flowers a while ago and I kept them in my car until they died. All I had to do was let go of them and set them down on his gravestone. But how could I do that if I wasn't ready to let go of him? There was nothing on his gravestone-everyone was too angry at him and thought that what he did was selfish. Or maybe they did and it blew away. 

I had never brought him anything before, so I thought that it would be a nice thing to do. Before I put the flowers and the note down, I read the note one more time. 

Dear Robert,

You're dead now. You're dead to me, you're dead to everyone, and you're dead. I don't know how to write a letter to a dead person-I've never had to, but thanks to you, I do now. You can go fuck yourself for all I care. You knew that I would walk in and see you-you fucking knew that and what did you do? Nothing. You just let me watch you hang from our house. OUR HOUSE! You left behind the "love of your life" and your daughter. If you didn't love me anymore, then you could've left me, but you left your only daughter. We needed you, Robert, and you didn't give two shits. God, if I could say one more thing to you, I wouldn't even know what I would say. You brought so much sadness onto everyone. I'm just lucky I found someone else in my life. You fucking deserve this, Robert. I'm glad I moved on from you. He's such an amazing person. His name is Kurt Cobain. And we just had a kid. Look at how far I've come. WITHOUT YOU. I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOU, ROBERT. I can't even look at your face anymore. No matter how hard I try to forget you, I never do. I never can. I love you, Robert. But, I have to let go of you. Today is the day that you died. I remember that day so vividly. I remember exactly how I felt and exactly what I did. Fuck you for that, Robert. Fuck you. Fuck you for hurting me and fuck you for leaving me. Fuck you for leaving your family-YOUR FAMILY. What happened to forever? We were supposed to create our own forever. You knew what you were doing. If I just knew why, that would help so much. But we never will, will we? Goodbye, Robert. 

P.S. Fuck you. 

I wished that I didn't have to write that letter. There was so much more that I wanted to say, but my hand was starting to cramp while I was writing it and I just couldn't finish writing it. Tear droplets were spread all across the paper, in no specific pattern.