It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 64

October 2, 1992

"Then let's talk about it since we didn't get to talk about it yesterday!" Kurt shouted at me. "Because you doing this I'm-mad-at-Kurt-so-I'm-not-going-to-talk-to-him is not going to fly by me!"

"We only have two months left with you! And I found out yesterday?! Not even from you, but from someone else!"

"That's not my fault!"

"You're right, but it's your fault for not telling me!"

"I am sooo sorry for not telling you, but quite honestly, it's none of your fucking business!"

"You're right! My boyfriend going on tour with his band right after his daughter is born is none of my business! I'm so sorry for intruding on yo-your plans!"

"Oh get over yourself, Ruby."

"Get over myself? Get over myself?!"

"Yes!"

"Do you even know what that means?!"

"Ruby, please, just calm down," He walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders, but I swatted them away. 

"Don't fucking tell me what to do," I spat. 

"Calm the fuck down please."

"Do you even want to be with me anymore?"

"What do you mean?"

"We've been together for two years, but guess what Kurt?! We're not fucking going anywhere!"

"What do you mean?"

"We have not once talked about getting married! Do you even want to get married?!"

"I don't know if I really want to, but-"

"THEN WHY ARE WE EVEN TOGETHER?!"

Melissa started crying, but I couldn't handle her then. I didn't want to yell at her. I was hoping that Kurt would hear and he would stop. 

"I don't know," He started tearing up and his lips quivered. 

"Are you-" I couldn't even get my sentence out. 

He didn't know why we were together. 

Wow. Just when I thought that things were going well. 

I put on my flip-flops, grabbed my car keys, and got the fuck out of that house. 

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"It's just fucking bullshit!" I exclaimed. "Like, what the fuck?!"

"Ruby," Dave attempted to calm me down, but it didn't work. 

"I left Melissa there. I forgot to get here."

"Maybe that's good, though. Kurt can think about if that's what he really wants and-"

"Dave," I sobbed. 

"Hey, come here," He held me as we laid down on his couch. 

"Is this considered cheating?"

"To some, yes. But, Kurt probably fucking deserves it."

"Don't say that."

I sobbed hard. Kurt and I were really over. I never thought that that would ever happen. Maybe that wasn't the case, but I thought it was. I never thought that we would break up like that. I mean, breakups are nasty, but I guess I never really believed it. 

God, I would miss Kurt. The way he looked at me from across the room. Shelli once described it to me. One time her and Krist came over to my apartment-back when Kurt stayed with me-and I got up to get some drinks for everyone and when I walked back, Shelli noticed that Kurt looked at me with a "sparkle in his eyes" and a grin from ear to ear. Obviously that can't really happen, but she said that she had never seen him look at anyone else like that. 

"Ruby," Dave said. "You're falling asleep."

"I'm not."

"It's late."

"No it's not."

"You came here around dinner time."

"Fine, I'll go to sleep. But I'll sleep on the couch."

"No, Ruby. You can sleep in my bed, I'll sleep on the couch."

"That's kind of weird, though."

"Get in my room and go to sleep."

"Goodnight, Dave."

"Goodnight, Ruby. I love you."

He probably thought that he said it quietly, but I heard him say that.