Cigarette Daydreams | Shameless x reader

Twenty-Two

It's been a few weeks, I'm back on my meds. It's almost winter break and I'm fully leveled out again. How long will that last? Who knows.

I've been worried about Ian lately though. He's been laying in bed a lot, reminds me a lot of myself when I was off my meds and in a depressive episode. Of course nobody would agree with me so I said nothing about it.

"Hey Y/n wait up!" Lip shouted from down the hall, I turned around and waited. "Has Ian seemed off lately to you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Today we woke up completely fine and said he had an ROTC winter ceremony this morning. Did he say anything about that?"

"ROTC doesn't have that, Lip." I said before freezing. "Didn't Monica take Ian to enlist like a year ago or so?"

"Fuck." Lip started doing the thing when he's stressed. "Wanna skip school? I'm going down to the alibi, I know you can't drink but,"

"Sorry Lip, I should probably make sure Ian doesn't enlist or something. See you later? I'll call if anything happens."

We both left school but went in different directions. I went to the Gallagher house, Lip went to the alibi. Only Debbie and Carl were home, they had a half day so they skipped. A few hours later Fiona came home then had to go to the hospital with Debbie and Carl, apparently something happened to Frank so they sent me home.

I'm really worried about where Ian is and what he's doing.

Once I got home I went up to my room and Ian was there. "Hey."

"Where the hell were you? I've tried calling and texting all day. You say you have an ROTC winter ceremony which we both know is bullshit then you say you have an ROTC thing tomorrow?" I raised my voice before crying and running to him. "Please tell me what's going on. I won't be mad just please Ian. I can't loose you."

"I enlisted, I leave tomorrow. Four years then I come back."

"You enlisted in the army?" He nodded and I felt my heart shatter. "Jesus Ian, fuck. I've been so worried about you and now you're going out to get yourself killed. Don't you have to be eighteen?"

"I found a way around that. But hey I'll see you again in a few years."

"If you even live." I laughed a bit before pulling him closer and crying more into his chest. "Promise me you'll be careful. Promise me that you'll call or text me every day and not any cryptic messages."

"I promise."

"What do I tell your family?" I asked pulling away and looking up.

"Just don't say anything." He looked into my eyes before kissing my forehead. "I love you, y'know that?"

"I love you too. You're the best friend I could've asked for Ian."

"You're making me wanna smuggle you there with me." He laughed before pulling away. "See you in a few years?"

"You suck, I hate you. Call me everyday or I'll have to track you down and kill you myself." I laughed pulling him in for another hug before he left.

And then he was gone. I was left broken. I'll get by without him but it'll be so hard and I'll miss him so much.

I went to bed balling my eyes out til I passed out from exhaustion. My brother's came in occasionally asking what was wrong but I couldn't say anything, I just cried.

I feel like a piece of me feels guilty. Like if I had done something and Mickey and Svetlana or if I had been there for Ian more. If I took my meds right away instead of letting my mind trick me. If I never got bipolar would I have been able to stop a bunch of this?

Ian forever and will always be one of my soul mates. Not in a romantic way but in a way we will always understand eachother and care about eacher. No matter what we can tell when something happened just by looking at the other. We told eachother everything, and I mean everything.

"Y/n, mail!" Kaden yelled throwing a letter on my bed.

"Its like eight am, who delivers at eight in the morning?" I groaned sitting up and grabbing the letter. It said my name and on the back was a little army sticker.

I pulled the sticker off carefully and put it on my bedside table before opening the envelope. Inside was a letter written on lined paper. I unfolded it and started reading.

Dear Y/n Olberman, my bestfriend
      So I'm finally gonna be an army man! I'm really excited for a fresh start. I've been feeling off lately and I think this is just what I'll need.
     Knowing you, you'll try and blame yourself. I want you to know it's not your fault, it'll never be your fault. Things just got too much and I needed a break. It's not because of you not standing up for me enough when Svetlana and Mickey got married. I know you were manic and you got ahold of that. It's not because you didn't keep your secret the whole time. It's not because I'm scared you'll be like Monica. It's because everything has gotten too much.

     While I am gone I need you to do something for me. Help out Fi, make sure Carl doesn't end up in juvie or Debbie stealing another baby. Make sure Liam is always happy and that Lip doesn't become an alcoholic like Frank. Take care of everyone while I'm gone, and especially yourself! I don't want to come back from the army and find out you overdosed on some pills.

     You mean the world to me and I love you. I love and care about you more than words can describe! You made me the happiest I've ever been. Take care of yourself and I'll see you again soon eventually.

   Love,
   I.G, Ian Gallagher, Ginger, Monkey, Army

I read the letter five times. I started crying again, soon my brother's came in and hugged me. They read the letter and told me it was gonna be okay. I got an empty picture frame and put the letter in it with the sticker.

I started making a little area in my room with a bunch of stuff Ian gave me. I kept the letter on my bedside table though, gives me closure kind of.

Some might find my way of coping for this as obsessive or impulsive but it helps me. It helps me remember that I'll always have a piece of him. If he was here he'd probably laugh at me then hug me. I wish he was here, I'd know he was safe then.