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Fourty-Eight

It's been two weeks since Ian was arrested.

I've let myself wallow in the guilt of not noticing he was manic before things got out of hand.

I've been letting all the good and bad memories of me and Ian rush in.

I've spent hours looking back to myself before my bipolar was recognizable and was just depression.

I've learnt no matter what, the feelings I've felt when I was at my lowest will always be one of the biggest comforts to me. Nobody will replace it.

I've spent the last week laying in bed. Not eating. Not sleeping. Not getting up. Not taking care of myself one bit.

My parents and Deven have noticed my change. They've done everything they can to get me to eat and drink and take my meds but I have refused. I'd rather let my body feel pain from me not taking care of it than not feel anything. I haven't taken my meds in a few days ethier. They've unleveled and I've been in a depressive episode since.

My parents have threatened to send me to a psych ward. I don't care. Nothing the psych ward will do can help me. I'm unfixable.

That leads to now. Me depressed laying in my bed. I'm gonna have to get out at some point but I can't bring myself to. A knock at my door made me shoot my head to it and in came Jess and her newest hair color, blue.

"Hey Y/n!" She smiled walking over and taking a seat on my bed. "I heard you were in the dumps so I brought some movies and food and if you want it some weed."

I looked at her then looked away. "Leave me alone, I'm tired." I mumbled pushing myself deeper into the bed.

"No. You're getting up whether you like it or not."

"No!" I argued being pulled off the bed by Jess. I feel on the floor and it make a thump sound. "What the hell?"

"You're gonna get fucking dressed, eat and drink something and take your mother fucking meds wether you like it or not. You're not gonna sit on your ass ans be a depressed little shit, okay? You're so fucking strong so stop letting yourself become weak and wallowing in your own self pity!" She shouted throwing clothes at me.

I didn't get up so she started dragging me to the bathroom. "No! I don't deserve this, I'm so tired, I'm horrible let me become nothing." I whined as she finally got me to the bathroom.

"You're gonna have a bath. Sorry if I make you uncomfortable but you need to get clean." She said picking me up and placing me in the tub. She took off my clothes and started filling up the tub.

"Jessie just let me sleep."

"You don't need sleep. You need to get off your ass." She said checking the temperature. "Listen nobody is mad, we understand you're in pain we just want to see you being better and taking care of yourself. I understand it's hard but it'll be less hard once you're on your meds and are taking care of yourself."

The water was now at a height that Jess was comfortable with so she turned it off. She grabbed a loofah and some body wash and looked at me.

"Is it okay if I wash you?"

"Yes." I said quietly looking forward at the wall.

She started washing my arms and my back and my legs and got me to was my own chest and stomach. She then grabbed a cup and used it to rinse me off.

"I won't let you fall okay? I need you to lean back so your hair will go in, can you do that for me?"

I nodded back and she gently let me in the water. After my hair was wet she lifted me back up and started shampooing my hair. She used the cup to rinse it after and then put conditioner in.