How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 50: at least they always have my back

TW: suicidal thoughts

The first three lessons of my school day go by in a blur. I'm lost in my head all day and can't really concentrate on anything the teachers are saying.

"Samuel!" My biology teacher says loudly. "I asked you what lysosomes in the cells do."

Fuck. What the hell are lysosomes now?

"Uh sorry." I say.

"Do you know the answer? We've been talking about it for the last ten minutes." He says.

I feel my cheeks get warm from the embarrassment.

"No, sorry." I say, looking down at my book. Shit. The answer stands right there. They get rid of excess or worn-out cell parts.

"Carla. Can you help him out?" The teacher asks.

Carla answers his question in detail without any problem. She always remembers that stuff. She could be on her phone, texting whole paragraphs and still remember what the teacher said.

I hate this. I hate school. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get my grades back up. It feels like the last two weeks made such critical damage in my education that I just can't fix it.

"Hey. Are you alright?" Carla asks me when the bell rings, signalling break.

"Yeah." I say, looking away.

"Oh Sammy, don't say that. I know that something's on your mind. What's wrong?" She urges.

I was thinking about Noah while touching myself. Unintentionally. But it makes me doubt everything I believed in. What if he's right and I wanted all that? What if I'm the bad one?

"Nothing." I lie.

I stand up to go to the toilets. "Hey." Austin says, grabbing my hand.

I turn around to face him. Since I came to school too late I didn't have a chance to say hello to him. Okay, that's a lie. I had two breaks which I spent looking at my hands and fighting with my mind.

"Are you mad at me or something?" He asks me carefully.

I roll my eyes. "No, I'm not mad. Can you stop being so self conscious about me liking you?" I ask him.

"Sorry. It's just that you ignored me all morning." He says.

I sigh. "Austin, I'm sorry. I was just lost in my thoughts."

"What are you thinking about so much? You haven't been paying any attention to the lessons at all. What's wrong?"

"Sorry." I say and let Austin embrace me in a hug.

"It's okay. I'm just concerned cause you look pretty down." Austin says.

Because I'm basically cheating on you in my head because I'm a fucked up pervert or something.

"Just tired." I lie.

"Do you still want me to come over after school to study for math?" He asks.

I groan. "I forgot about the test tomorrow. Yeah, of course I want you to come over. Carla's studying with us, too." I explain.

Caleb's not coming back until saturday. He said something came up so Carla wants my help.

"Cool." He says smiling at me.

The rest of the school day goes by in the same way. Lost in thought and feeling ashamed.

_____

I find myself at the kitchen table with Carla and Austin. We've been studying for three hours and we're only halfway through.

Austin has his face buried in his hands as he groans frustratedly. "I just don't get it." He whines. "Why the fuck would someone go ahead and come up with a thing called imaginary numbers? What the fuck? Weren't infinite numbers enough already?"