How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 132: not a diagnosis

"I would say 'great to see you', but I was hoping not to see you here again, especially for the same reason." Alan says as he comes into my room.

Alan did a mental checkup on me the last time I was here. I remember him. He's cool.

I scratch my head. "Sorry?"

He sighs and comes over and greets my mom before turning to me. "How are you feeling?"

"Good, I guess." I say.

"So? I heard this time you didn't black out, is that correct?" He asks me. Straight to the point.

I nod my head. "No, I knew what I was doing."

"You knew what you were doing when you overdosed on drugs?" He asks me.

"Yup." I say with a nod.

"And that is?" He asks me.

"Uhm, killing myself?" I ask unsure.

He nods. "Alrighty. Not so good." He says. "So I assume the incident with your friend was also an attempt to hurt yourself?"

"Yes." I confirm.

"Right. You seem- very relaxed for the circumstances." He comments. "Yesterday you needed to be sedated because you were so upset."

Mom stands up. "I'll leave you two alone. Alright?" She says and leaves the room to give us privacy.

Thanks mom.

"Yeah, I feel very different today." I explain.

"How so?" He asks me curiously as he sits down on a chair, leaning on his elbows.

I shrug. "I talked to Kevin and he kinda calmed me down." I explain.

"The same Kevin you stabbed with the knife?" He asks surprised.

I chuckle. "Yeah, the same one."

"Good thing he doesn't hold a grudge against you and doesn't wanna press charges. His injury is very serious." He says.

I nod my head. "Yeah, uhm, I know. We've been friends for a long time. I didn't wanna hurt him."

"Why did you wanna kill yourself?" He asks me.

"Well, I kinda got into fights with basically all my friends. Cheated on my partner, broke up, all that." I explain. "But I'm not sure. I just was sure that everyone else would be better if I wasn't around. I hurt a lot of people and it seems like I can't stop screwing up. I was constantly craving drugs, felt hopeless. But now the motivation seems just stupid."

"Why do you hurt them?" He asks me. "Why do you hurt people?"

"I have no idea. I kinda end up always doing the wrong thing." I admit. "It feels like I'm cursed or something."

He nods. "So that's the reason? You wanted to make sure no one has to deal with you anymore?"

"I guess. I also felt kinda hopeless, like all the progress I did was for naught."

"Right. Tell me about your stay at the mental hospital." He says.

"Uhm, yeah, it was great. I learned a lot about myself, got clean, all that. But then two weeks ago I came home full of hope and it quickly got crushed again." I explain.

"Your hope got crushed?" He asks.

"Yeah, well, a lot of shit happened. I wanted to get back together with my ex and it was all a big back and forth and then I found out that the guy who- uhm the one who wanted me dead, I found out that he died and that people think I killed him despite the police saying it was an accident." I explain.