How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 137: Friends can kiss

I'm grumpy when I walk back to class. I spent 30 of my 50 minute break with the school psychologist or therapist or whatever when I was just supposed to be there for 25 minutes.

How the hell did she make me talk so much when I didn't even wanna tell her anything?

I groan annoyed. I am manipulative. I am an asshole. It took me long enough to realize that I'm the problem and now she's trying to ruin everything by telling me I'm not.

"I hate her." I mumble angrily. Situations where I did the right thing. There is no such moment in my life. I've come to realize that I always choose to do the wrong thing. No exceptions.

"Sammy. How was it?" Harry asks me as I come back into the classroom.

"Useless." I say and sit down on my chair.

I can't stop thinking about what she said and it makes me angry.

"How come?" He asks.

"She's stupid. I don't wanna talk to her. What do you think?" I say annoyed.

"Wow. You must be so fun as client." Carla says. "How many therapists have you had over the past few months again?"

I roll my eyes. I've talked to at least seven different ones, including the ones from my stay at mental hospitals.

They all suck. Meghan was okay. Alan seems pretty cool. I guess those two are the ones who understand me the best.

_____

After school Harry drives me home and stays over.

"You wanted to talk?" I ask him as we sit down in my bedroom after ten minutes of my mom talking to Harry.

"How are you?" He asks.

"Uhm, fine? How are you?" I ask hesitantly.

Harry shakes his head. "No, how are you really?"

"I feel okay." I answer.

"You wanted to kill yourself." He points out.

"Thanks for reminding me. Yeah. I'm glad Austin saved me. And that Kevin then saved me." I say.

"Why did you do that? What were you thinking?" He asks.

"I didn't wanna live anymore. I was thinking I wanna die." I answer him.

He rolls his eyes. "How are you now?" He wants to know.

"Uhm, I already answered that question. I'm alright." I tell him.

"Sammy." He says with a sigh. "You talk like you decided to eat an orange for breakfast. Deciding you wanna kill yourself has to have been a little harder, right?"

I shrug. "It was an easy decision actually." I admit.

"Just like that? You casually decided that?"

"I'm impulsive." I say with a shrug.

Honestly. What does he wanna hear?

"That's not impulsive. It's stupid." He argues.

I never said being impulsive isn't stupid.

I groan and lie down. "I felt like a burden to all of you. Like I'm destroying all your lives." I confess.

"What? Not because of Noah, right?" He asks me.

"He's dead because of me. I'm responsible that you lost him." I say.

Harry inhales sharply. "Sammy. No. It's his own fault."