How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 65: Heartache is the worst kind of pain

At home I lie down in my bed and call Austin. His phone is turned off.

I text him a few more messages, explaining what happened and how I feel and begging him not to leave me and telling him that I love him.

This isn't real. We're still a couple. He can't just break up with me like that. I didn't even tell him about kissing Adam. If it was that I would have understood it, but just because I met up with him? He can't be serious.

What if he hurts himself? What if he cuts his arm?

I push my palms into my eyes as hard as I can and try to hold back and not scream around like I'm mad.

I'm so frustrated and so heartbroken and angry at myself and concerned for Austin and angry at him.

What if we're really done for good? What if that's it? I can't deal with it. I don't know how to deal with that. I can't.

Maybe I shouldn't have ignored Harry and Carla. I should have invited them over after school. I just wanna get high and feel something other than this crushing pain.

What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?

I can't stop the tears anymore. I sob desperately and let the tears run freely.

My dad is asleep downstairs and my mom is visiting her parents and shouldn't be home until 8 or 9. I can be as loud as I want to be.

For hours and hours on end I cry. I got home at around 4:20 and now it's 8 o'clock and I've done nothing but lie in bed, listen to music and wail.

I hear a knock on the door and stand up to unlock my door, expecting it to be my mom.

It's my dad. "Can you please turn the music down a little?" He asks me.

I turn around and turn the music off. "Sorry." I say and then let myself fall into my bed.

"Have you been crying since you came home?" He asks me straight forward.

I groan. "Yeah. Leave me alone." I say to him.

He sighs and instead comes in. I can hear him walk over and feel the mattress dip from his weight as he sits down next to me.

"What's wrong?" Dad asks me. He sounds concerned, but also annoyed.

"My boyfriend broke up with me." I tell him, my face buried in my sheets.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks.

"No. I wanna turn back time." I tell him.

I wanna turn back time nineteen years and make sure I don't even start existing.

Dad sighs. "Why did he break up?" He asks.

"Because I'm stupid and befriended someone who he hates." I say.

"That's all?" He asks me confused.

"It's Adam." I admit.

"You're friends with Adam? The boy who beat you up, clearly because he has a problem with your sexuality?" He asks me.

"Yeah, he apologized and we talked a lot." I say. "Austin found out and broke up."

"Why the hell did you-" My dad starts, but I cut him off.

"Because I just did. Why do I have to defend myself for who I like to spend time with? I know he beat me up, but people can change." I yell angrily.

"That's no reason to get loud." Dad says angrily.

It's very close, very close I let a 'fuck off' slip.

"Please, leave me alone." I tell him. "I don't need people to tell me how stupid I am, I already know."