How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 71: How can I get out from underneath this guilt alive?

TW: suicidal thoughts

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As soon as the door to the room Austin's in closes behind me I take a deep breath. I can cry when I get home. I don't wanna cry here in the hallway.

Austin's dad is talking to a nurse and to my dad. I think they are talking about visitors.

"There you are." My dad says as he notices me standing there.

Austin's dad looks at me and smiles warmly.

"My shift starts at 6. See you then." My dad says and then walks over to me. "Come on, let's get home." He says.

I nod and follow him to the staircase, leading to the parking garage. While we walk down I check my phone. Nora texted me saying she won't be coming to the hospital. I frown as I stare at the message.

"Why not?" I text her back.

"I'm sorry. I just can't." Is all she replies and then sends a second message as explanation. "I don't wanna say goodbye to someone who could still come back. I can say goodbye later."

She's in denial. I guess I get it. I also can't even allow my brain to imagine Austin actually dying.

I sigh and look through the other messages. Looks like the news about Austin's suicide attempt spread quickly because a few classmates texted me about it.

I don't wanna be the center of attention again. This isn't about me. Well, it kinda is. But instead of compassion I should get the blame.

I put my phone away as we walk to my dad's car.

"Are you okay?" Dad asks me as we sit down.

"I honestly don't know." I admit. "This feels so surreal."

"I know." Dad says. "Let's get you home. Your mother cooked something."

I nod my head and he starts the car.

I pull out my phone again to finally text Mila and Dylan to tell them both I'm fine.

Dylan replies instantly, saying he's sorry for not picking up and that I can call him anytime. I should have picked up my phone.

"Did you get a little bit of sleep?" Dad asks me.

"Uh, yeah. I fell asleep pretty fast and didn't wake up until now." I explain.

He smiles. "That's good. You seemed very exhausted."

"So you're starting your shift at six? How long will you stay?" I ask.

"Until the same time tomorrow." He tells me. "I'll be there through the whole process when Austin wakes up."

I nod my head. "So, can I wait somewhere at the hospital maybe?" I ask hesitantly. "So that maybe I can come see him if needed? Maybe I can just sit outside in the car or in your office. I don't know" I ask him.

"Samuel. You can talk to his dad and ask what he thinks. It's fine by me if you wanna come here in the morning and be in the room with him all day. If you want that." He tells me.

I shake my head. "I don't think I should be there. Just, uhm, you could call me if he maybe asks for me or if- uhm." I say.

"If something goes wrong. Yes, of course." Dad says.

I nod my head. "Thanks, dad."

How am I supposed to know what's the right thing? Everything that I was so sure of turned out to be a complete lie.

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At home I eat together with mom and dad. It's almost like a normal nice family dinner. But I feel so sick. Every bite I take makes me feel stuffed and nauseous.