How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 180: Tidal resilience

Last chapter, let's gooo

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Here we go again.

"Sit down where you feel most comfortable. Well, except for my chair please." Alan says as I walk in his psychotherapy room.

"It's not any less weird than last time." I state as I sit down on that armchair, facing my therapist.

"Seeing me in real life?" Alan asks.

"Yup. Sometimes I imagined you're just some AI created therapist." I state.

He nods his head. "Well, do you think a computer could take over my job one day?"

"Probably."

Now he frowns. "Well, that sucks."

"Yup, but for now I'm stuck with an actual human who can judge my actions."

"I'm not judging you." He claims.

"Of course you do. Everyone does."

"This is a judgment free space. I will not- you know what? Yeah, you're right, I obviously have my opinions on every patient and judge their behaviour." He answers.

He probably thinks I'm so stupid for breaking stuff in my room like a maniac last week.

"Wanna talk about that email?" He asks me. "Is that what's on your mind?"

"I read it." I explain. "My dad got me back my access to my email account and today I read it. It's Jared's death's anniversary. Funny, right?"

"I did not expect that. That's great news." He says. "Well, the part where you gained access to your emails. Not the part where it's been a year since he died."

I shrug. "Well, It didn't really change anything. I'm still pissed off."

"Why?" He wants to know.

"Because he didn't answer anything. He said he felt empty, like he couldn't stop what was coming. He felt jealous when he saw us smile and have fun. He saw me as a friend and doesn't explain the kiss in the email. It just all makes me angry." I say.

"Well, you sound calm." He points out.

"Yeah, well, Kev and I and then also Danny, we all screamed around like mad on top of the mountain in the morning." I explain.

"Did that help get rid of a bit of that anger you feel?" Alan asks with a slight smile.

"Yeah, it did. It took away the frustration for a moment, but now I still feel angry when I think about it. But a normal kind of angry. Not the consuming kind of anger that stops my brain from working."

He nods his head and then rubs his fingers over the short hair of his beard while he's thinking.

"What would you have hoped to read?" He asks.

A love confession.

Of course not that, but anything that would have let me know I was as special for Jared as he was for me.

"I don't know." I say. "A better explanation."

"For dying or for leaving you? For what?"

"Everything." I answer with a sigh and lean back, getting more comfortable in the chair. "I just think he could have had a good life. He didn't need to die so freaking young."

"You also wanted to die." He points out smugly.

"Yeah, and it was a big mistake." I answer him. "When I wanted to die I was in a craze."