How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 135: just like good old times

I'm in the car back home, sitting on the passenger seat next to my dad.

I ended up talking to Alan for two hours. My dad joined the conversation for the last half an hour.

The plan we all decided on? I'll be home. I'll actually stay in my own bed. But I have to talk to Alan two times a week. We tried to find the perfect therapist for me, but I'm pretty sure Alan is the only one who understands me. As weird as it sounds, it feels fitting.

When he suggested that I instantly agreed. I like Alan. Maybe he can help me.

He works 20 hours a week at the hospital and then also works self employed. He's already booked up, but I was lucky to squeeze in tuesday and friday evening.

We will meet up online to talk since it's a long distance between us.

I try my best to think positively, but honestly? I'm not so sure. I've talked to countless therapists. Meghan was great, but I wasn't honest enough. Hilto only focussed on drugs and all the therapists at my latest stay at the clinic only focussed on sexual assault and trauma mostly.

I guess Alan is different, but I'm not sure if he can really help me. I don't know if anyone can really help me.

I won't see Meghan anymore cause it seems like talking to Alan benefits me a lot more even when Meghan obviously did a good job.

Alan and I had a discussion about me going back to school. As much as I hate it, I wanna go to school and finish this year. It will give me a sense of being normal.

Alan wants to eliminate every form of stress in my life. Family, friends, love, school, everything. But I assured him school doesn't stress me more than not being able to graduate with my classmates would.

"-and in that case you can just call Alan instead of talking to us if that makes it easier." My dad says.

He's been talking for ten minutes and I nodded and pretended like I was listening without even realizing.

"I didn't listen." I interrupt him.

"Seriously?" He asks annoyed. "When did you stop listening?"

"Uhm."

He groans. "Perfect. I'm pouring my heart out and you ignore me." He says offended and then looks at me. "Wanna tell me what's occupying your mind?

"Doubts." I answer truthfully.

"I believe in you." He tells me. "You're gonna be just fine. Trust me."

Honestly? I can hear his doubt in every damn word.

I sigh and lay my head against the window to look out, watching the street lamps go by. It's not dark yet, so they're turned off.

Whenever I used to skate along the streets I was always fascinated by my changing shadows. The shadow of one lamp got lighter and lighter while the one of the light I was approaching grew darker. It was always something that fascinated me. So much that I often rolled into random things, too occupied with the ground to realize where I was going.

"Jesus Christ, you're not listening again." My dad points out.

"Sorry." I say absently.

I hope Kevin can still skate. The sensation in his fingers came back and he doesn't need a second surgery. I'm more than glad about that, but I'm still worried about him and feel guilty.

I hope everyone is okay. They are all so worried. I hate it. I hate being responsible for everything. I hate that I can't guarantee that won't happen again.

I'm a ticking time bomb. Alan will help me try and control it, but what if I can't do it? I'll explode and end up hurting everyone around me.

"Dad, can we turn around?" I ask him hesitantly as he gives a turn signal to get on the highway.