Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 98: We will not go down easy.

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(12-289 AV --- 4,669 AV) Today's the day I visit the Commonwealth for the first time. A full month has gone by since I've seen my closest friends and family. No Shane, no Eddie, no Judith or RJ, no Daryl or Clark. I don't think I've ever been so excited to do something as anxiety-inducing as spending a trip with a man I don't know. Lance will be here soon to get me.

Speaking of Lance, I haven't really spoken on it, but he reminds me and many others of Phillip Blake. At first, it was his face, but after getting to know him a little better, it's not his physical looks that get me. It's his demeanor, his mannerisms, from the way he talks to the way he stands. I wouldn't call them identical, but it's sincerely put a chill down my spine, especially since the Commonwealth is run by a 'governor'. But enough about Lance for now. I'm running out of time and I need to write one more letter before this trip. All this thinking about Phillip has made me remember I never wrote my final message to him, and I think it's time.

Dear Phillip,

There's no good way to start this. I'm not sure I ever really recovered from you. You were the first real relationship I was ever in. There was Clark, sure, but it didn't last. You, I didn't want to let you go even after you destroyed our lives. I ended your life but it haunted me. It still haunts me.

I should've moved on from that part of my life. It was more than a decade ago since you died. There's no one left from Woodbury besides me and Michonne, wherever she is. I have no reminders of you and your community but I keep thinking of you lately. You wrecked me. You hurt people. And still, I keep looking for excuses to defend you to myself. Maybe to make myself feel better for missing you.

We were engaged. We were going to have a baby. It was losing that baby that wrecked us. We weren't the same after that day. And maybe I should've stuck by you, even after I found the walkers in your office. I should've asked you to get help. I should've explained to you why I was scared of you and maybe we could've fixed it all. We could've worked. Maybe a lot of people would be alive if I hadn't left Woodbury, but I did. I ran at the first sight of trouble because I couldn't let myself go through another abusive relationship. So I ran before it could get ugly.

And we found each other again after nine months. I came back to you in order to save my people. I did what I had to do. And I struggled because I felt myself falling for you again. Even after what you did to Maggie, I hated myself for still having some love for you. And then you slaughtered your army and you disappeared for awhile. And after you came back, you destroyed my home, killed my friends, and tried to rebuild our relationship like anything you did was forgivable. And I almost fell for it. But you killed Martinez and Paul and Milton and Andrea and then Hershel, and I knew I had to end it for good. You might've been able to be saved that day but I had to end it. It had to be me.

None of it had to be this way. It was a fight of your creation. You could've left my people alone but you just had to start a war. Even months after you were gone, I regretted things I didn't say to you. And now, it's been eleven years and I find myself wishing we could've given you the same courtesy we gave Negan --- a chance to redeem yourself. You did things I'm not sure you could be forgiven for. What you did to Maggie, all of the deaths you caused for your own selfish reasons. At least Negan had the intention of saving his own people. You killed yours.

I don't know what else to say. I loved you. I really did at first. You were one of the few men I had been with that respected me, that I trusted not to hurt me. Maybe I started the downfall when I abandoned you, but you were the one with walkers in your closet. And now, we had an opportunity to live our lives like we did in the old world. Maybe that will be what it takes to rid my mind of you.