Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 99: We've always been the ones left standing.

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(12-280 AV --- 4,660 AV) It's been a little while since I wrote, and it's been 3 weeks since we were introduced to the Commonwealth. I haven't been there to visit yet but a few others have and I've heard it's a dream-come-true. I'll be heading there at the end of the month per Lance's suggestion, likely because he wants to assure me of my decision to send my children there.

Here at Alexandria, we're making some serious progress with the repairs now. Not having to worry about food while also getting assistance with supplies has sped up the process considerably. That's left us able to go to bed at regular times again, so I'm here, writing in my journal. I haven't done a letter in a while, so I'd like to do that now. I have one in mind that's long overdue, but with recent changes, she's come to mind a lot lately.

Dear Deanna,

I should've done this a long time ago. I might've gotten a chance to say goodbye to you the day you died but it wasn't enough. We were all stressed and I had so much more to say to you. I'd like to believe you're content in how you died, but I'm not sure I would be in your shoes.

I hope you're proud of what we've built. I have to give majority of the credit to Rick and Michonne. And I have to apologize for not fulfilling your wishes. You asked me to take over for you before you died. It took me a decade to do it, and since I've taken over, I have to admit it's been ugly. In my defense, the Whisperers showed up before I came home, and a lot of the worst damage happened when I was trapped in the cave. To be fair, I could've gotten out of the cave before it collapsed. I just wanted to be the last one out to make sure my people were safe. It backfired considerably.

There's a lot of times I wish you were here, here to calm the people or to help me decide if something's right or wrong. Sometimes, I wish you were here just to tell me I'm not failing in the ways I feel I am. For someone I didn't know very long, I looked up to you a lot. You were like a mother to me, one that stood behind me like I needed. Denise wasn't like that. And I never met my real mom. You and your husband were the closest thing to real parents I had, if I'm honest.

We keep making it through these things, coming out on the other side alive, but it always makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong or if we're just struck with horrible luck time and time again. We won the Savior War, and I'd like to think that was because of our choices, not luck. We lost many in that war but we came out of it for the better, I believe.

I also wonder if you'd have supported Rick and me allowing Negan to live. I know you'd hate him, given he killed Spencer, and I'd have never asked you to forgive him, but I sometimes wonder if you would've understood why we put him in jail and why I later allowed him the chance to redeem himself. I've always felt confident in that decision, but there were times I felt it wasn't my decision to make. I think now, it's turned out to be the right choice, even with him gone, but I've often wondered how that entire war would've gone down if you were still here. Maybe it wouldn't have happened at all. Maybe you'd have made a different choice when we made our deal with Hilltop.

I hope you're in a better place now. You allowed us into Alexandria and now, over ten years later, we're still here and we're fighting for it with every last breath we have. We could leave. We have that option. There's a lot of us who agree we need to keep going for your honor.

Rest in peace, Deanna.

-CJ
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