Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 68: Buddy, you can kiss my ass.

TRIGGER WARNING:
MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND ABUSE
(This applies often in the following chapters. The warning for mentions of rape and trauma is still something to consider if you are sensitive to any troubling topics like these.)

>>>(2-028 AV --- 758 AV) Things just seem to get worse every day, but hopefully, today is the end of it. It's been a shitty chain of events for weeks now. We found Merle finally, but he wasn't well. Simon shot him with an arrow covered in walker-blood. We spent the day with him, drunk for most of it. Clark, Daryl, and I were sitting awake next to him when he turned and woke up. The image haunts me, but what haunts me more than that is the sight of Daryl trying and failing to hold back tears as he put Merle down. We buried him soon after, mostly to get him out of the trailer before Bella or Conner woke up.

Things haven't been amazing lately, but losing Merle was just the icing on the cake. I've been to his grave a million times already. In fact, I'm sitting in front of it right now. Daryl's been here a lot, too, but I don't know if he'll come this morning. We're about to finish this war with the Saviors. We got a map from Dwight pointing out the locations Negan will be when he goes to attack us tomorrow, so we have the upper hand. We're getting ready to go soon, but I wanted to be able to go into it without a weight on my chest.

Finding Merle also meant we hadn't found Shane, and while I'm worried sick, I need to forget about it until this is all over. I need to forget how much everything is bothering me and just focus on making things right. That was what Carl wanted, to make things right. He wanted us to move towards a peaceful mindset again, not killing for punishment or reacting with violence at every turn. Hopefully, today will be the last day we have to shoot at living people.

Before I go, I want to write Merle's letter. If I don't do it now, I'll end up putting it off like I did Phillip's, which I still haven't written despite it being four months since he died. I haven't written Deanna's either, and there's a few others, too, but Merle deserves this now instead of later.

Dear Merle,

I have no damn clue where to start with this. It's been nearly 13 years, man. You were my best friend. I say that about a lot of people but you were really one of the most important people to me. There was a time you were all I had, when Daryl snuck out of my life due to some awkwardness at you implying we liked each other. You were still there for me, anyway. You made an effort to keep me in your life when you had no reason to.

I remember the day we met so well. I remember walking in behind Daryl, him introducing me and you almost instantly asking if I was Daryl's girlfriend. I remember us playing video games in the living room until your dad bust in the door and started losing his shit, and I remember jumped to defend you despite not knowing you or knowing if we'd ever talk again after I left that night. But we did. You called my house to invite me to get drinks at the bar. I've never been so thankful for such a small gesture, because you doing that gave me the motivation I needed to keep going for the rest of my life.

There are so many memories I have of you and I couldn't ever choose a favorite. I lost my virginity to you, man, and to this day, Daryl still doesn't know and I don't think I'll ever tell him now. Then there was the baby contract and me annoying you with 'I Hope You Dance' by Lee Ann Womack. I'll never forget your face when I played it for you at the prison. You were probably contemplating smashing my guitar.

You were always there for me and Daryl. No matter what kind of mood you were in, if you felt like being racist or sexist or any sort of rude, you never took it out on us. You had your moments of being a complete asshole but it was never toward me. You, despite everything, never hit me or hurt me in any way like a large amount of men in my life have. That's something I shouldn't have to be grateful for, but I still am.