Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 20: If I go in, I'm probably not comin' back out.

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(DAY 440) I still see him. I see him all the time. It's been a week, and I just can't stop. It's not my fault. Shane just keeps popping up in my head constantly. I wish more than anything that he wouldn't. It just makes me feel insane.

This entry is gonna be short today. I haven't been feeling all the much like thinking today. Shane is sitting in front of me right now, staring at me, watching me write every word and I want so badly to shout for him to leave me alone. Carl's watching me from a couple yards away. He still occasionally talks to me about it and insists that he's there if I need someone to talk to, but he's just a kid. I can't put this bullshit in his head.

The group is all out here, and I think they just discussed what to do about Oscar and Axel. Most of the group thinks we should just send them off if they're not grateful for their cellblock. I don't have a problem with just letting them live with us, but apparently, the rest of the group does. T-Dog and I are the only ones who seem to think they shouldn't get sent away.

Hershel just started getting on his feet (foot) again for the first time. He's using the same crutches Shane had used back on the farm. It's really weird to see it, but I'm glad Hershel is okay. Lori, Beth, and Carl are helping him out. Well, Carl is just kinda standing there and watching me.

Anyways, I'm gonna go. I need to figure shit out.

Signing out,
Cory Jenner
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Once I shut my journal and set it to the side, I looked forward again. Still, Shane was sat in front of me, staring back. I blinked once, part of my brain still hoping after 7 days of this that maybe he'd disappear. He didn't, of course. Clearly, it didn't work like that for me.

I could see Carl stood off to the side. He was looking at me as well, some sort of pity or something on his face. He could tell by now when I was seeing hallucinations. It was kind of obvious, at least to him because he knew it was a reoccurring event. Typically, when Shane showed up, I stopped talking and just went silent, trying to think of ways to make him leave. I couldn't speak aloud to the hallucination, not without alerting anyone nearby and bringing attention to myself. So... I was stuck with this.

All I had done for a week was this. It was ruining my life, making me a different person, preventing me from being productive. It was like back at the farm, when I was stuck watching Clark for 9 days. It had stopped anything my life had been about. I didn't talk to Andrea or Lori or Shane, and I had only talked to Daryl occasionally. That's what had happened now. I was starting to feel trapped in my own mind.

The morning had been productive so far. Rick, Daryl, Glenn, T-Dog, Carol, and Maggie had been working on getting things organized while the rest were with Hershel. Normally, I would've been helping the bigger group. Today, along with the past few days, I hadn't been asked to do anything. It wasn't that people suggested I help out or anything, either. It was like everyone just wanted to leave me alone. Maybe that was what they felt was best after the panic attack they witnessed. I didn't like getting pity, but at the same time, I was glad I had no job. Or maybe a job would help distract me.

I had talked to Beth a little the other day. She talked to me about what'll happen when Lori gives birth. I've pretty much been in charge of being second-mother when the baby's born. Carl had asked before, too, if I'd take care of him and the baby if his mother were to die, and I still don't know if I feel honored that he would see me as a mother figure or pained that he's considering the next step if Lori dies. Carl had been there for me this week. He even stated that he thinks it's sweet that Shane impacted my life so much, even though it sucks. He doesn't think I'm crazy, at least, and I consider that a win.