Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 54: Assumptions get you killed.

TRIGGER WARNING: 
HEAVY/GRAPHIC MENTIONS OF RAPE AND ASSAULT

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(DAY 541) Nothing particularly new with the group. We have more new people in the other cellblock but that's about it for that. For me, however... I discovered last week that I'm pregnant, and the only recent time that it could've happened was when those men raped me on the road. I haven't had sex with anyone since Phillip back after my miscarriage, which leaves one of those men accountable for what's happening. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I even can do other than just accept it. Abortion's not really an option with everything that could go wrong, yet I don't want to mother a baby that was created in such a horrible, hurtful way. I'm scared that all I'll see when I look at it is that same memory over and over again. I don't want to have a child and hate it. I could never hate my own child but I'm not exactly sure how much this child is mine.

I'm scared to tell anyone. I don't know what they'll say. I don't want pity, but I'm also afraid no one will give a shit. I'm scared of what Daryl will think or say. What if he doesn't want me anymore? Would he want to take care of this child with me? I couldn't imagine him ditching me or leaving me because of this but I can't rule it out. I haven't said a thing about the rape or the baby, and maybe I just won't.

Last time I was pregnant, I wasn't good enough to keep it alive. I just couldn't. How could I expect it to go well this time? I couldn't do to Daryl or Merle or anyone what I did to Phillip, getting him excited with the idea of having a baby only to shatter him with the loss.

I don't want to repeat Woodbury. I'm not gonna start overthinking this and siking myself out. I should write another letter. This one's for the prisoners we lost when we first found this place.

Dear Big Tiny,

I have no clue what your real name was, but that's what I was told you went by. I wasn't there for your death, and in fact, I barely learned anything about it. I just know you were bitten in the tombs and Tomas put you down really violently. You seemed like a really sweet guy, though, and I'm sorry for what happened to you.

Dear Tomas,

You were an asshole, but you were strong. I'd say you were too strong, and that's what got you killed. You had no room in your mind for compromise. It just had to be your way, and that's not how things work anymore. I remember we got off on the wrong foot immediately, which to be honest is how some of my greatest friendships started. See, you did try to molest me, though, which also brought on the first time Daryl ever did something to certify his feelings for me. Even so, even though you were shitty as long as I knew you, I feel like you could've learned from your mistakes and been a really good part of our team.

Dear Andrew,

I also barely knew you. I don't even know if we shared any words, and I guess I don't have much to say anyway. I try to see potential in everyone, even assholes that have done the shittiest things, but I don't think I could scrape up a defense for you. You were a coward. You swung at Rick the second things went downhill and though I guess you could be considered loyal, you were stupidly loyal. You were loyal to someone who had tried to kill innocent people. And if that weren't enough, you unleashed the chaos that got two of our good friends killed. You caused that in the end. If you were still alive, maybe I'd find it in myself to forgive you and help you move forward, but you're gone and all you left us was the stupid plan that really did no good for you.