Chapter 40: I get why Clark went crazy.

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(DAY 015) Okay, so things at Woodbury are amazing. It's so much better being in this community than anything ever in my life. That excludes the time spent with my Dixon men, but this is a very close second to that. I already made a ton of 'friends' and it's only been two days. I've been given a few different jobs around the place to earn my stay. I have a shift with Martinez as a guard, and I'm supposed to help with supervising classes for the children. Phillip also assigned me to help the town's doctor every so often with running errands and such. It's really a small price to pay considering I get to live here and stay protected and act normally. There's warm water and heat and nice people. I haven't met genuine, nice people in a long time.

I remembered something earlier today, though. I knew this town reminded me of something, and I finally figured it out. There was a night that Merle and I had gone to the bar and gotten extremely drunk. I'm not completely sure why, but I could make an educated guess that it was the night Chad got pissed enough to slap me in the face. But anyways, I stormed out of my house and down to the Dixons' residence and tried to pretend I was fine but Merle saw right through it. After about ten minutes of him interrogating the information out of me, I told him what happened and he instantly took me to the bar to drown the bullshit out. After a lot of Whiskey Sours, and Merle downing one pint of beer, he and I went back to his house. Obviously, that one pint of beer didn't affect him in any way other than loosening him up, so he was fine to drive. He had to help me into the house by practically carrying me. It was probably the most drunk I've ever been.

After I laid down on his couch, he sat in the recliner next to me, put a trash can next to me, and we talked for so long. It was probably only a couple minutes into our conversation before I burst into tears. He was so quick to jump from the recliner to the couch and hug me, I thought he was gonna get whiplash. He and I ended up laying together on the couch for hours talking about random things. Eventually, we started talking about what our perfect lives would be like. I was the one who asked. I was really curious what he needed in his life to make it the best it could be. He made me answer first, and I remember in such immense detail the little universe I had created.

In my perfect world, I would be married to a nice, funny, loyal, caring man who treated me with more respect than anyone in my life. We would live in a suburban neighborhood, the type where everyone knew each other and kids could play in the streets. As cliche as it sounds, it's true. I never realized until that night that I really wasn't okay with how my life was. Of course, the perfect life included Merle and Daryl, too. In my perfect world, their parents were both alive and happy together and treated their children with respect as well. We could all live in the nice neighborhood together and Merle would be a well-paid businessman, while Daryl would be working somewhere he enjoyed. We would get to spend so much time together, and my perfect man and I would have 2 children, a boy, and a girl, who would grow up being raised right. In my world, people didn't go hungry or get abused or fight constantly. In my world, peace existed for all of us.

I realized that night that I cared more about the Dixon boys than I did for myself.

After that, I asked him to tell me about his perfect life, but he didn't, and never did after that. I never brought it up again. He was going to tell me about it, but I ended up throwing up and crying some more, and my drunk-self didn't think to shut up and let him talk. He spent another hour comforting me, and I passed out on his couch. I woke up in the morning to see Daryl walking through his kitchen, unfazed by me laying on his couch, my eyes sore from all the crying I had done. He got me a cup of water and found some painkillers in his bathroom, gave them to me, and didn't say a single word to me until I was leaving. Merle gave me a hug before I left, and Daryl just waved as he walked to his room. I walked home, got yelled at by Chad for leaving and not coming home, and went to my room with a huge ass hangover.

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