Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 100: This just isn't something you can tell a kid.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: DISCUSSIONS OF RAPE, BRIEF MENTIONINGS OF SUICIDE.

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(13-001 AV --- 4,746 AV) My personal life has continued to be uneventful here at Alexandria. Reconstruction has continued, of course, but that's about it for me. I haven't seen my family, but I've tried to visit Hilltop occasionally to keep an eye on Maggie and all them. In all of that, I've been at Hilltop much more than I'm used to and it's reminded me a lot of a certain someone I wish I could forget. God, Chad's been dead for too long to still be taking up space in my mind.

Seeing as I'm already thinking about him, I figured it might be a good time to get his letter over with.

Dear Chad,

Honestly, I don't even feel you deserve a letter. I'm doing this for me, and I want that to be completely clear. There's not one good memory of you in my brain. There are times that weren't absolute torture, sure, but nothing good. You were a nuisance to everyone you met. You contributed nothing. And I don't feel bad for you in the slightest. I hope you're suffering, wherever you are.

It's not just me you hurt. Denise was traumatized by you. Michelle will never be fully right. Harriette, who I finally met after all these years, likely still lives with the things you did to her. I'm still remembering things that happened decades ago. And I probably still will be for the rest of my life. I hate that you still have any kind of hold over me. I hate that I can't put you out of my mind forever, but I can't. I wish I could kill you a second time.

You were a petty, terrible man even to your last breath. You never begged for mercy. You never apologized. If you ever did, you certainly didn't mean it. You made me so desperate for hope that I tried to take my own life. And even after I recovered, you changed nothing about your behavior. You wanted me to try a second time and actually die. The fact that you were going to try to convince my people that it was a suicide by planting a note in my pocket is all the proof I need that you were never going to change. I've looked for hope in everyone, but you... there was no saving you.

I don't know why you hated me so much. I assume it's because I was the living proof of your crime against Harriette, something you wanted to erase. She put me in your hands and you had no choice but to accept it. I'm glad you hated me so much. It made it really easy for me to hate you back.

I don't know if you ever felt bad. I honestly don't care. I'm just glad you're gone.

-CJ
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It was the middle of the afternoon as I sat on the couch, holding a tiny baby in my arms. She could barely hold her head up, given she was only a little over a week old by now. It had been so long since I held a baby, I forgot how gentle you had to be.

Clark was asleep next to me, his head at an angle I knew wasn't comfortable. He had nodded off just a few minutes ago, but I knew he'd deny it if I pointed it out. He'd say he was just resting his eyes. He was as stubborn as he had always been, unable to admit that he needed us right now. I couldn't blame him for his exhaustion after what had happened.

More than a week ago, Gabriel took a trip back to Alexandria, particularly to talk to me. He came bearing terrible news --- Alana had passed away during childbirth. It was just something that happened, something that was unpreventable. Even with doctors that had delivered plenty of babies, she still died. The boys had mentioned she was at risk, but I didn't realize just how possible it was to lose her.