Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 36: Oh, bud, if only I cared enough to tell you.

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(DAY 622) About 21 weeks. Still haven't told anyone. This is my final letter to write unless we lose someone else, which I'm praying we don't. Can you guess who this one is for? You got it. Shane Walsh. I waited until Day 622 because I still wear that necklace he left for me, the one with the '22' pendant having to do with his football number also being 22. This one is gonna be a toughie, and I know that damn well. I've been doing well at keeping him out of mind since the Woodbury shit ended, so maybe this will help put it to rest.

Dear Shane Walsh,

This letter could end up being a million pages long if this journal didn't have an end. I can't even conjure up the right words to say to you. God, how could I at this point? With everything that happened before you died and everything that happened because you died, I have absolutely no clue where to start. You couldn't expect me to.

19 days. That was it, man. We knew each other for 19 fucking days, and a good bit of them were filled with fighting or us ignoring each other or some bullshit I regret more than anything I've ever done in my life. It wasn't even a full month, and yet you destroyed me. Losing you fucking changed my entire life more than anything ever could, and to this damn day I don't understand how or why. I don't know what it was about us that was so important to me. Sure, you were my best friend, but for 19 days. I shouldn't have missed you as much as I did and as much as I still do. It's been 400-some days since you died, over a year, and yet even now I'm scared to keep missing you like this. Rick was worried I'd drink myself to death. Everyone thought I was crazy, and all because of you.

I started seeing hallucinations of you. It was like your ghost was following me around and talking to me to keep me from going crazy, yet that's pretty much the only thing I did. It doesn't make sense to me. I lost people I knew for years and family members and yet I got stuck on an asshole that never did anything but make me feel like shit. Doesn't that seem off?

You gave your necklace to Rick to deliver to me, and I haven't taken it off for a single second since then. It hasn't left my chest once. And I still have those Cheerios, and that shirt you left in my tent to hide them. I haven't worn the shirt in a long time, though, because it hurts too damn much to even look at it.

You left that note for me, too. You know that note pretty much killed me? After reading that you liked me or loved me or whatever and that you left in the first place because I said I didn't need you, do you know how much that hurt? You know how bad it hurt to hear the reason you died was that you wanted away from me? Of course, I didn't actually mean what I said, that I didn't need you. Obviously, I needed you and to be honest maybe I still do. And you know what? I liked you back. I probably liked you before you liked me. I liked you back even months after you died. I called it love once, but it faded off because of Daryl. If you'd have said something that night instead of beating around the bush, this all could've been avoided. Of course, maybe I could've said something, too. Maybe if I would've told you when Andrea said to, you'd still be here.

You were so important to me. So damn important to me and it hurts that I have no way of telling you that. It hurts because you're gone and it's not like how it was with Andrea where I could maybe see you again some day. The fact that I just can't talk to you anymore destroys me. I miss talking to you, arguing with you over how much we fight, telling you that you needed to stay with the group to keep things in line, listening to you claim you weren't in love with Lori. God, I put my life on the line for you so many times and you still somehow managed to believe me when I said I didn't need you. If I didn't need you, couldn't I have just you bleed out in the woods, or just let that walker attack you when we went on the run together, or told Rick what happened with Lori and just let him beat you senseless? Well, he read my journal so he knows everything from Day 001 to around Day 441. He knows about what happened with Lori and about you saying you wanted to leave and everything I've ever written about you. He knows I used to hallucinate and that I was mentally ruined by your death. Rick knows, but it's not like you could. God, what I'd do to have you back just so I could punch you for doing this to me.