Lost Too Much 【REDONE】 ║ Daryl/OC or Shane/OC

Chapter 24: Shane and Daryl are very different people.

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(DAY 005) It's been 5 days now since the apocalypse started. I haven't made much progress. I scavenged a few cars and made it out of town with a couple supplies. I found a good gun in that car I slept in on the first day. Since then, I just moved from car to car every night. I haven't found anyone alive, which makes me assume they're creating groups elsewhere, away from me. I'm in the middle of what I believe is Hampton, Georgia? I found a camper and boarded it up. I also found a map in a cabinet so I'm mapping out my next move. I still haven't seen anyone alive, either, so I really have no clue what to do. I don't like that I started off this experience alone.

Every day that's passed, I feel like giving up even more. I probably would have by now if it weren't for the fact that Merle is out there looking for me. I've already pictured about 20 times what it would be like if I just killed myself and Merle or Daryl found me like that. If Merle really meant what he said in his note about caring for me, I can't make him go through my death. I know how I'd feel if I found him dead. Or Daryl.

But still, it's so fucking lonely now. At home, all I ever wished for was to be alone in my room with my thoughts. But now, I have all the time in the world to have myself and my thoughts, but it feels dangerous. I feel like every second I think is just another second closer to me losing it and giving up. I can't take the loneliness. It feels like isolation. I feel like I could scream and it wouldn't even make a sound. Better yet, no one would hear it. A week ago, on that trip with my 'family', I would've done anything for a day like this. Now, I'd trade my soul to go back.

Should I do it? Should I give up? What if Merle and Daryl already died? What if they forgot about me already and don't ever come looking? What if I'm the only one left around here and it takes years to find another breathing human being? Is trying to live a good idea? What if there isn't even a way to cure this madness and it's just a never-ending, constant state of fear and panic and isolation forever until the day I die?

I can't take another day of this. I just fucking can't. I'm gonna start pulling my hair out soon. I'm gonna start hurting myself or breaking shit. I never thought I'd end up in a state like this. I never fucking thought I'd feel like the only person out of 7 billion to survive an apocalypse. I certainly never thought I'd miss Chad or Denise. I never expected in my lifetime to WANT to see them in my life again. And I'll fucking tell you what, I NEVER in my life thought I'd freak out this much because of my own thoughts.

You know, I always knew there was something wrong with me. It started when I was informed by Michelle accidentally that I was adopted. After that, I resented Chad and Denise. I hated them for lying to me. I loved Michelle for being truthful. But it wasn't natural for a 10-year-old girl to hate with such seriousness and such passion. I wanted to run away every day of my life from age 10 to age 17. By 18, I had learned about my real parents, Harriette and Charles Jenner. By 19, I had figured out that I needed to actually get a job and money if I wanted to live on my own. By age 20, I enrolled in a school, quit for a month, then went back and they let me continue. I managed to finish college (which I had gone to just to get away from them) by age 22.

Then I had met Daryl, and then Merle at age 22 as well, and by 23 I had learned to deal with Chad and Denise less angrily. I wanted to move in with Merle and Daryl, but they told me it was a bad idea because they had gotten into some drug-dealing and it wasn't exactly safe. Part of me wanted to find a gang so I could beat up people and take my anger out physically, but Merle talked me out of it and said I wasn't intimidating enough and he didn't want me getting hurt. By 25 we had made friends with a guy named Clark who had this truck that he took us out hunting in. A few days, maybe a week after I had turned 27, the boys had taught me how to shoot tons of types of guns, and Daryl showed us a cool ass crossbow he purchased that he wouldn't let anyone touch for a while. Eventually, he taught Merle to use it, and one night when Daryl was out, Merle and I snuck into the woods and he taught me. A little bit after that was when they showed me how to throw knives. I wanted to learn to use Clark's throwing axes but the boys were just so sure I would hurt myself and I never got to learn.