wonderwall (Septiplier)

six

[Sean's POV]

Some of my viewers would describe me as quite an emotional person, I cried at The Walking Dead, I cry at fanmade games, I cry at a lot. So seeing me sit with watery eyes throughout a game play shouldn't seem so strange, except the gameplay was Hard Time and it semeed wrong to be emotional at that.

That was the last video I had uploaded in around five days and I felt awful. The viewers were so confused as to what was going on and I really didn't deserve their support. I had so many tweets telling me to 'take my time' or 'put myself before my videos', which was kind of what I have ended up doing. Except I'd not told them, I'd not told anybody.

Mark and Felix had tried getting in touch with me, calling me and texting me. I'd read a few of them but I didn't want to reply, why should I bother my friends with my problems? They're both living amazing lives, they shouldn't have some kid with problems getting in the way.

I hit next on the Game Grumps playlist and lay flat out on my sofa, one arm tucked under me and the other flat with my head resting on it. I'd been in that position all day, not bothering to move to eat or pee (I didn't pee where I was though, I'm not that gross). I literally felt like there was no point anymore, I might had well just wasted away there on the sofa. It would stop so many problems. Mark, Felix, Wade, all those people would have one less friend to worry about. The viewers, they could forget my channel and get addicted to somebody that will actually make them happy, like Mark or Game Grumps. My channel was just a mess right now and I needed to escape, there was no room on the Internet for a mess like me, so the time to depart for a while was now.

I forced myself up off the sofa and paused the video I had been watching, I switched my phone to silent and marched up the stairs into my room. I pulled a chair up and set my camera to record, not bothering to sort out a proper microphone to use or good lighting. This was a goodbye for a while video, not the next internet sensation. I sighed deeply and looked into the camera before nodding, I can do this.

"I'm not going to bother doing an intro, so hey, hi, it's me Jack," I said, motioning to myself.

"This is a quick little video that I've been meaning to put up for a while, but I haven't. I - uh. I think I'm going, wait no, scratch that. I'm quitting YouTube for a while. Gasp, shock horror, I know. There are reasons behind my decision but I," I cringed as my voice cracked, I hadn't spoken out loud in so long and my voice was not ready.

"These decisions are nothing to do with you guys. They're not because of the channel, or because of any other youtubers. It's completely me." I begin to shake a little, although I seemed quite confident, this was the hardest video i'd recorded in a while.

"I know you can - uh - you can see a change in me and the channel at the moment. I'm failing to upload videos and be interactive with you guys, and I really want to, but I can't. My life's too hard at the moment, things have changed," I averted my eyes away from the camera and looked down, wiping a stray tear from my eye.

"It's, I mean - uh - it's, damn it." I cried, I'd had this big speech in my head that I was going to do as a farewell and I could remember none of it. Instead I sat here crying, for a reason unknown to the viewers.

"I just can't do it anymore guys, it hurts, it hurts so bad and I just want it to go away. How do people deal with this? Because I'm suffering so bad and it hurts, it hurts so much that I want to be physically sick every time I think of it and my heart just aches at the thought of it. How do I get round this? How do I fall asleep at night without crying for hours, please - I just need somebody to help me - please." The tears are unstoppable at this point and I walk out of the view of the camera, stopping the recording and taking the SD card from inside. I'd totally messed up that video but I didn't want to sit and refilm it, I'd be so much more worse.

As I sat at my desk and waited for the video to upload to YouTube, I contemplated editing out the breakdown I had at the end. I decided against it once the video had finished uploading and pulled my knees up to my chest, sobbing loudly.

Everything came out at that point, all the anger, all the sadness, everything. I was shaking, screaming, crying. I was everything but stable and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't label it. I'd been through heartbreak before, but it never affected me like this. So what was different this time? Why was I so weak?

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sighed as a text came through from Mark,

Markimoo: Sean, buddy. Are you free to talk?

seconds later, another text came through.

I saw your video bud, I'm concerned. Do you think you can Skype me? or call me?

I didn't respond and sat staring at my phone for a few minutes, another text came through.

Sean please, don't shut me out. I'm here for you buddy. I don't know exactly what it feels like but you've asked for help and I can give you that

Please Sean, I'm scared. I'm scared for your health, for your channel, your life. Just let me help you.

Please Sean, at least let me know that you're still alive and breathing. Im scared

Jackaboy: I'm scared too

Markimoo: OMFG SEAN THANK GOD

I know you're scared Sean, I can tell by your video but let me help you. I want you to be safe, I care a lot Sean

Don't do this again Sean, you can't send a little text like that and then not answer. I'm panicking so much right now.

Jackaboy: Me too.

Markimoo: Sean what does that mean?

Are you okay? Sean please 😟

Please

What's happened, what do you need?

Jackaboy: You.