Paranoid - PhanFiction

Chapter #20

*Trigger Warning*

*PHILS POV*

Dan and I slept in our own beds tonight.
I heard a couple screams but I'm too tired to help him out.

His night terrors are getting old and I think he's just doing it for attention now.

I sneak out of bed, take the note I had written ahead of time and sat it in sight for Dan to find when he wakes, got my shoes and headed out into the dark town at 3:39am.

I saw beautiful lights glisten on the puddles from the rain that sprinkled lightly as I walked down the streets.

I held my body to shield the cold wind that hit my body. I shivered.

I finally reached a bridge and sat down, resting my hands on it and sighing.

So this is it.

I think about my family. I think about Dan. I think about the things that made me happy which no longer can bring me joy. Everything I used to love, and cherish just doesn't appeal to me anymore and I hate it, I hate it so much.

I just want to be okay again and be happy.

The person I am today isn't the person I'd ever think I'd be, and I'm ashamed.

I always told myself I wouldn't get like this, or this bad but I guess the world has other plans for me.

I just can't take it anymore, I've lost all hope and faith that things can get better. It just seems impossible to me. There is nothing or anyone who can help me now, I'm in too deep this time.

When I was a about thirteen I was so depressed, I was put into a hospital many times for suicidal thoughts and actions.

I disappointed my family and the very little 'friends' I had.

But I somehow got better, but that isn't going to happen this time, I just know it.

I may not be trying to off myself every second of the day, but my brain goes into a bad place. A worse place then when I was younger.

Isn't it weird how we are slowly dying, yet living? Life is so confusing.

It wouldn't matter if I died right now.
All people use me for is for their own happiness or there own benefits. No one ever asks me how I'm feeling, and if they do they don't actually care and want to know as much as they make it sound.

I just can't do it anymore.

I pull myself off the ground and swing my legs over to the other side of the bridge so that I'm sitting on the edge of the bridge.

Just as I'm letting go I hear foot steps behind me. "STOP! What are you doing!?" I hear a familiar voice behind me.

Dan.

I panic and let go, but two hands manage to catch me and stop me from dying. "Let go, I wanna die!!" I scream as Dan struggles to pull me up. "Please don't so this!" He sobs. I can feel his hands tremble as he tries to pull my body weight up.

"You only want me alive so I can help you and nothing else, you don't love me!" I shout, and try to pull out of his grip. "What are you saying, Phil!? I love you so much please stop moving so I can pull you up!" He shouted as I released one of my hands from his grip. "STOP!" He shouted. "I hate you!" I screamed.

He pulls harder and finally he succeeded and pulled me into a hug as he sat on the hard pavement. "Why'd you do this?" He cried into my shoulder.

I pushed him back and he looked so sad and so hurt.

"Why did you do that?" I growled. "W-what?" He asked, standing up. "Why did you save me? I wanna die, let me die!" I screamed and ran to the edge of the bridge again, Dan running after me, grabbing my waist and fell backwards.

"Please stop Phil, you are my world and I can't live without you, you're the reason I'm living and I don't know what'd I'd do without you and you're lovely, wonderful kind voice. I love everything you do." He sobbed and sobbed. "You're just saying that.." I mumbled.

"I'd never lie to you Phil." He breathed.

"You saved me, now let me save you." He cried and hugged me closer.

That's all I've ever wanted anyone to say to me. "Okay." I cried.