Paranoid - PhanFiction

Chapter #63

*PHILS POV*
*TRIGGER WARNING*

I slowly put the sharp kitchen knife to my neck. I rested it there and took a deep breath. I then sat it on my desk and walked over to my laptop and opened Spotify, turning it up on full Volume, the music blasted through the speaker and I walked back to my knife, picking it up again and putting it to my neck.

I needed to do this.

But a part of me was hoping Dan would come bursting into my room and tell me he was sorry and that he loves me like I do all the time to him.

But he has nothing to be sorry for. He was right, I killed Pj in that car crash and he has the right to not love me because of it. And for god sake, Dan ran away from me for three freaking years.

And he almost said it before I cut him off, he loves Pj.

I shook my head as tears started to form. I gripped the knife harder and pushed it into my neck, but not hard enough to cut through skin.

I let the tears fall. It's not like anyone cares if I was crying anyway. I've never had someone comfort me when it's most needed, I've never had anyone close before Dan and he doesn't even love me anymore.

I can't find anyone who will stick by my side and tell me everything's okay, or even comfort me in anyway and that's all I ask for.

And I don't wanna live like this.

I pushed the knife to my neck closer and a layer of skin broke. I panicked and dropped it.

"I'm so weak." I whispered, ran and fell onto my bed, face first into my pillow. I screamed loudly into my pillow, so aggressively that it hurt my throat after.

I wanted Chris back, I wish I never met Dan. My life wouldn't be so terrible if I never even met Dan...

My life was perfect, well, almost perfect before I started college. Chris and I saw one another every other day and were so close but now he's a maniac in prison.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention, he tried killing a police man with his own pocket knife and got sentenced to 7 years in prison.

And Dan... I can't put into words how he messed up my life. But he also made it worth living. I'm just so confused.

I hate him so much yet I love him with my heart and soul.

I sat up and had my legs hanging off my bed when I realized my neck was bleeding. I cut more than just one layer.

I probably cut about three. I ran out of my room and tried opening the bathroom door big it was locked. Dan was probably in there so I ran to the kitchen sink and for a wet cloth and put it to my neck.

It was bleeding pretty bad but nothing too serious.

Dan came walking out when I sat the cloth down and his eyes winded. "What happened to your neck??" He asked as he ran to me. "What do you care?" I snarled. He furrowed his brow. "What did you do?" He asked.

"I cut it." I stated and his jaw dropped. "Why would you do that?!" Dan shouted, "because, you don't love me so I deserve pain. You love Pj." I said emotionless. "What!? I don't love Pj!" He yelled. "You almost said you loved him before I cut you off, don't you dare lie to me."

He looked like he was thinking then, "I was confused, Phil! I just got some of my memory back! Can you blame me? I thought your name was Pj until you said he's dead and then I remembered." He shook his head as he spoke. "So you really think I killed him?" I asked. "No, but you wanna know something?" He asked.

"Sure?"

"Right now I really wish Pj was here," I was gonna start crying just from those words, "he wouldn't be such a d*ck to me when I just get my memory back, he wouldn't jump to conclusions." He said.

Tears welled up in my eyes. "WELL IM NOT PJ, AM I?" I screamed, making Dan jump. "It's not like I waited for hours and hours on end just waiting for a doctor to tell me you're okay when you tried killing yourself. It's not like I wasted months of my life because you left, I felt worthless and lonelier than I ever had in my whole life because the one I loved most was gone and I felt guilty for three years, Dan. Three f*cking years because I couldn't help you," I whispered the last part and I broke down, "and I forgot to mention, I waited for you to get out of that coma and never left your side unless I really, really had to!" I sobbed.

Dan looked baffled. His eyes were full of tears and they slowly fell down his face. "I-I didn't know you felt that bad..." He cried. "What did you think I felt like?!" I yelled. "I thought I was doing you a favor!" He shouted, a bit louder than me. "In what way would that help me, Dan?"

"I just- I thought you secretly hated me, or like was annoyed of me!" He said as he wiped he tears off his face but it was no use because more just fell. "Dan, I never hated you, I never have! You only made my life bad when you left. I thought you were dead, dude." I started to cry again.

"It was a selfish thing to do, yes I know!" He cried. "And I feel so awful. I can't put into words how guilty and bad I feel for putting you through this all, that's one the reasons I left! I thought I ruined your happiness." He sighed. "You made my life worth living when you were here, and I wouldn't wish for anything else." I said.

"I'm so sorry." Dan cried and pulled me into a hug and kisses my lips.

"I love you s-so much." He cried.

"I love you too."