You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 2

It was Friday afternoon and school had just finished. You were walking home from school, it had been a long week and you wanted to sleep all evening. Your friends were going to a party tonight but you didn't feel up to it. At the moment everything felt like it was spinning out of control. You felt sad or angry all of the time even though nothing had changed. Whereas before you found it easy to join in on all the fun, now it was a chore. Nothing seemed easy anymore. There was always a little pit of fear in your stomach and you felt paranoid all the time. If somebody didn't text you back, that must mean they were mad. If somebody tried to ring you, then you must have done something wrong and they needed to confront you.

School has always been easy for you, you tried hard and got good grades but it wasn't a challenge, now you lived in fear of failing or getting into trouble. You knew this was just anxiety, you'd googled it when you thought something was really wrong, but it said it was manageable and you couldn't seem to manage this.

You didn't talk to your mum about it – you knew she wouldn't get it. She would try to – she would be supportive and say the right things but you couldn't admit it to her. You couldn't admit you weren't perfect. It was just the two of you and she tried to make sure your life was seamless, she didn't want you missing out just because you didn't have a dad in your life. After all the effort she made, you couldn't mess it up by saying you were struggling.

You finally made it home and noticed the car outside, signalling Taylor was at your house. You smiled widely as you walked in the front door and followed the sound of your mum and her best friend laughing from the kitchen. As you walked in they stopped their conversation and Taylor jumped out of her seat, walking over to you and wrapping you in a hug. You squealed slightly as she picked you up and spun you around "Hey buddy! How was school?" she put you down and stepped back, staring at you intently. You shrugged "It was fine". She crinkled her nose at you "Fine? That's all I'm gonna get? It was fine?! Jessica May, you really are a teenager now. I miss the days when you would curl up and tell me alllll about what had happened to you!" You rolled your eyes playfully "it was school, nothing happens. I got up, did my classes and now I get to relax. Best bit is seeing you of course..." at this Taylor grinned widely, putting her hands under her chin and batting her eyelids jokingly "that's better, now come and sit down with us. I'm crashing your weekend, told your mum – I'm staying here until Sunday. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever and I need a dose of fun." You looked between Taylor and your Mum quickly, wanting to join in but knowing you have so much schoolwork to do tonight if you wanted to enjoy the rest of the weekend. The sensible part in your brain kicked in "Sorry, homework to do. If I crash it all out now then I can enjoy some time with you over the weekend though!". Taylor put a fake hurt expression on her face and turned to your mum "How has she come from you?! Little miss responsible over there." Your mum smiled at you "go on then, I'll cook dinner for 6.30 – try and get it all done before then ok?" you smiled at them both before running upstairs and flopping down onto your bed.

You laid there for a few minutes, trying to decompress from the day before dragging yourself up to get your homework done. As you made a list of all the different pieces of work to do you could feel that anxious feeling bubbling up inside again. You had too much to do, there was no way you could finish all of this and enjoy the weekend. You would either have to rush it and get bad grades or lose out on some time with Taylor. Lately it felt like you were always letting somebody down – if you were keeping your friends happy then often your classwork slipped. If you kept your grades up then you missed out on some fun activities with your friends. You were snappy with your mum when she tried to talk to you but you felt isolated when you were left alone.

You put your head in your hands, trying to stop the tears from slipping out of your eyes. You took a few shaky, deep breaths and then put your headphones in and picked up one of your books, deciding that doing something was better than just sitting here crying about how behind you felt.