You drew stars around my scars

Nothing new

The treatment centre had handed Jessica home for the afternoon snack and dinner. Taylor picked her up at 2pm daily, she had a snack at 2.30 and dinner at 6.30pm with Taylor. So far it had all been going very smoothly. Jessica knew the rules and although at times she hated it, she never fought back about eating – knowing that the only way out of this was to keep pushing through it.

Taylor had become fixated on making sure to maximise opportunities to get calories into Jessica. If they had mashed potato – she added extra cream to Jessica's. Everything was full fat versions. There was a constant train in her mind, tracking the calories she was putting into the girl.
Taylor knew that eating was hard so if she could sneak extra in without causing more distress, then she was going to do it.
What had happened was a constant train of calories flashing through Taylor's head and although it was for a very good reason, it began to take it's toll. Rather than just focusing on how to get calories into Jessica, Taylor began to focus on how many calories were in food.
What this meant, was that she automatically started calculating how many calories she was eating. Which then meant she led to making small cut backs.
A 300 calorie cookie? Not worth it. She could get some vegetables and hummus for half of that.
All the 'fun' foods slowly slipped away again now she tuned into how many calories and fat were in them. She didn't even know it had happened, she thought all the focus was just so she could get more into Jessica. She didn't realise she was actively restricting again.

Tree came over for their monthly meeting, most meetings with just the two of them happened at Taylor's house now since it was easier with the baby.
Taylor had dropped Jessica off at the centre then rushed home. As she pulled up, Tree was already outside – typically early.
Taylor led her inside "I'm not quite ready. I just need to grab breakfast and I think Emmeline wants another feed!"
Tree laughed lightly "Don't worry Tay – take your time. I got here early knowing you wouldn't be ready. Do you want me to make you breakfast?"
Taylor's eyes went momentarily wide but she pulled it back "Nope – I'm good. I just want yoghurt today – I can eat it while I feed Emmeline then!"
Tree frowned "is that enough? Do you have any expressed milk?"
Taylor nodded "yeah..."
Tree shrugged "Can I feed her?"
Taylor smiled wide "Of course! Let me pour it into her bottle"
Taylor quickly made Emmeline's bottle while Tree got the baby out of her car seat.

Once she saw the baby was eating, Taylor walked over to the fridge – picking up a pot of vanilla yoghurt and a pot of strawberry yoghurt. She turned them over, studying the calories before putting the strawberry one back. She quickly poured the yoghurt into the bowl before sprinkling some berries on top.
Tree watched the whole thing but didn't comment, instead pretending to be totally focused on Emmeline.

Taylor ate her yoghurt slowly, getting up numerous times to grab a drink or a clean cloth for Tree to wipe Jessica's mouth.
Taylor finished around the same time as Emmeline did, she got up to put her bowl in the dishwasher then pulled out her phone while Tree burped the baby.
She pulled up her notes, adding her breakfast to a list of food before switching to myfitnesspal and adding the food into the log – tracking the calories. Tree watched her again but couldn't stop herself from commenting this time "what is that?"
Taylor looked up her guiltily "what? Nothing". She put her phone down, trying to hide what she had been doing.
Tree reached over, trying to grab Taylor's phone but the blonde moved it away. Tree glared at her "you're tracking your food"
Taylor snorted, trying to throw her off but Tree tried again "You're tracking food Tay?!"
Taylor shook her head slightly, a guilty tone to her voice "I'm not tracking, I'm comparing..."
Tree reached over "show me your food log for the last few days"
Taylor's eyes widened "I haven't....I didn't put it all in"
Tree rolled her eyes, knowing the blonde was lying "show me". Taylor's head dropped back but she handed her phone over, knowing there was no point in arguing about this.
Tree frowned as she opened up the apps "Taylor, you have to eat..."
The blonde protested immediately "I am eating!"
Tree sighed "you have to eat enough"
Taylor scoffed "I am eating enough! I'm tracking it to make sure I'm eating enough – with everything going on with Jessica I feel like I've lost perspective on what a normal amount is..."
Tree glanced back down to the app "the last 7 days you've been in a major calorie deficit, not to mention you're breastfeeding which means you need more calories"
Taylor looked down "I'm not actively trying to restrict – it's just hard when I see the numbers all day every day. It's like they get engrained in my brain and I can't switch it off. They're in everything and if I can have 10 calories less by having a different flavour yoghurt, why wouldn't I do that? I'm still eating the same amount – I'm just making healthier choices"

Tree laid the baby now and came back over, sitting right next to Taylor "You have to fight against that thought process though. You do not have to make choices just because they are lower calorie or because you feel like it's an unhealthy choice..."
Taylor scoffed "I am automatically programmed to make lower calorie choices, there is nothing wrong with that..."
Tree frowned at her "no – that's an active choice you are making and I am telling you – you need to distract your brain. It's a slippery slope down for you. We know when you get fixated on food and numbers it's easy for you to get sucked back in."

Taylor bit her lip "I'll try"
Tree looked at her sternly now "Don't try – just do it. Seriously, if I find out you keep restricting – I will call your mum, ask her to stay with you."
Taylor's eyes widened in shock but Tree continued "You do not get to do this. Not to Jessica, not to Emmeline and most importantly – not to yourself"
Taylor nodded, eyes welling up but she couldn't bring herself to speak. Tree squeezed her hand tightly "I'm going to be on your back about it because I love you and I care, but if I find out you're lying to me – then I will take action."
Taylor was about to protest – the look of indignation clear on her face but Tree held up her hand, silencing her before she could speak "Do you want Emmeline growing up thinking calories and food are bad? That her body has to be 'perfect' for her to love herself? That she doesn't deserve food because she isn't her own perception of perfect?"
Taylor shook her head immediately "of course not"
Tree shrugged "then it's time to make conscious changes. I mean it"
Taylor nodded "You're right – it was stupid. I have to change the channel in my brain – distract myself from those thought and keep on pushing through. I can't allow myself to get sucked backwards."
Tree nodded "of course I'm right"
Taylor rolled her eyes "nothing changes".

The end